Just musing ...

I'm sitting at my computer just thinking about life so I decided to write. Honestly, I haven't been writing much during this little break (I've been off work this week) ... I've been cleansing my space and my spirit while getting ready for 2008 so ... but as always, I'm drawn to writing it all down so here I am.

A little while ago I talked to a longtime friend who I hadn't realized I missed so much until I spoke to him. His comedy was refreshing as was his usual, "at odds with mine" take on life and love. He told me that I'm wasting my time waiting for passion. He's always been the more practical of my friends and while that works for him (shit, he has a phat crib, a wife and daughter), it's not my cup of tea. I want to be swept off my feet. I want crazy, irrational love ... I want something that consumes me ... but in a good, don't forget about my life kinda way, if that makes sense at all. I want fire dude and I won't settle for less nor do I think there's anything wrong with that ... I don't want lukewarm... I don't want someone to grow on me ... I want to wake up next to him in the morning and just stare at him with wonder while he sleeps ... I want that crazy, movie-type love. I want someone to ride with me ... someone to check me when I need to be checked ... arms that will cradle me when I need a nook to cry into ... to hold me and make me feel safe ... I want magic! I want someone who makes my heart palpitate everytime I see him ... who makes the hairs on the small of my back stand on edge ... who makes me tickle in all the right places ... who makes me gasp ... That's what I want ... a friend ... a lover ... a man ... a real man who can handle my independence and my attitude and my hunger ... who will drive with me without fear or apprehension when my independent, stubborn ass wants to grab the reins ... who I can return the reins to willingly without worry ... someone who I can bring around my friends, who will embrace them as his own family as they are mine ... Is that too much to ask? To expect? Hell no! And I have no delusions that it will be easy ... Shit, love isn't easy ... It's a rollercoaster ride ... It's wrenching but damn it's good!

*sighs* ... And off I go on another tangent.

Today I helped one of my former students complete her application to Columbia U., my alma mater. I'm so proud of her. When I met her, she was getting over a relationship that had ripped her to shreds. I saw this young girl with so much potential but so much anger and resentment ... so I took her under my wing and helped her see her own divinity and now ... Now she sees what she's capable of ... she sees her awesome gift - her writing ... and now she wants to be a writer ... To have been a part of that evolution is humbling ... Another gift I have - an ability to connect with youth ... She's my baby ... Seeing her was uplifting ... And I see her going so far ... Embracing that fear that once stunted her and using it as a catalyst ... Yeah baby!

And now I'm off to continue typing my second novel ... just a few more pages to type up ... for it was handwritten in a journal ... and now it's time to let it out into the world ... Blessed be!

2007 - The Year in Review

So I've been thinking about how magical this year has been for me ... and in doing so have decided to assess somewhat haphazardly why it's been so fucking "sick" (in a good way) for me and my existence ...

I'll start by saying that I've grown this year in leaps and bounds ... more than I think I have in some time. Some time ago I made the conscious decision to stop bullshitting and start "going for the gold" ... This year I've seen the fruit of all my labors ... In my nena who has evolved into a social, attitudey little creature who fears nothing and is open to exploring and showing herself off. She sings and dances and laughs and plays with no care in the world about who's watching or judging. I love that! ... I published my first book (WOW!) and have received rave reviews. Recently someone I met read the book (on the recommendation of someone special) and he sent me detailed comments on how much he enjoyed the book, the development of the plot, the tension in the scenes ... His details were so vivid, down to emotions my writing spurred ... Hearing that once again reminded me of what a wonderful gift I've been given and what a remarkable job I've done in fine tuning it ... I also finished my second novel.

That in itself is an interesting story, that is, how it came about. I reconnected with someone from my past that always had a special niche in my heart. Seeing him again and feeling his energy (yummy!) gave my muse a much needed nudge. So one day, on the train actually, I just started writing and thus began the second novel. What's even more intriguing is that the novel was written for the most part on the train, in transit to and from work. Then, after working on it diligently for some time, I put it down because I'd lost faith in it. I was going through some internal turmoil (that had much to do with the "stunting" of a relationship and a situaton I was enduring at my former place of employment) and just wasn't feeling the story line anymore ... so I walked away from it, unsure if I'd return or even if the story still had merit. During the sabattical of sorts I went into myself and started making moves to get myself together ... And in that time, I saw that I'd gotten caught up in unnecessary worries ... I was frustrated with a "relationship" ... or rather, I was letting it get to me that I had no control of a situation without accepting that ultimately, when it comes to affairs of the heart, one never really has the reins ... I was also caught up in a job that wasn't fulfilling or challenging me but I wasn't really doing anything proactive about it. Then one day I just stood up and said, "Get it together V!" ... and within a matter of weeks, I had a new job and a new attitude. I stopped resenting myself and the world for what I didn't have and began appreciating what I did have ... which realistically is so much.

At the ripe age of 32, I have a little girl that is the light of my world. And although baby daddy and I are not friends nor do we see eye to eye, I am thankful that he is in her life and does what many fathers don't do - he loves and supports his daughter. I have an extraordinary group of friends who are driven and ambitious and an integral part of my life. I have family that truly adore my daughter and love me, and help me as much as they can. And I have a gift ... Wow! What a gift. I can write. I can tell stories. I have an imagination that never fails me nor ceases to surprise me with the tales my Muse weaves ... And I have myself ... and boy do I love me and am so proud of me ... even though I can be brutal on myself 'cause I know what I'm capable of and am always striving for that ...

And in discovering all that and embracing my blessings, I've come to this: when you want to make a change, to make life-altering moves, those energies have to extend to all aspects of your life ... not segments or pieces ... You simply can't compartmentalize the changes, they have to be across the board. Taking those actions will bring about lasting, impactful change as they have in my world. And it started with a cleansing of my spirit and continued with a cleansing of my body (20 or so pounds and counting!) ... starting to work out ... cutting my hair ... finding V again ... And thus 2007 has been one of the most memorable and satisfying years in my life thusfar ... Readying me for those to come ... for even greater magic ... bliss ... joy ... Booyaa!!!

Hmmm ...

I reread the blog I just posted and thought, "Hmmm, that sounds a bit angry" ... hence this follow up blog. I'm really not angry at all. I'm actually the happiest I've been in a long time. My 32nd birthday (GAG! 32! Jeez) was AWESOME! I had to celebrate it because this b-day I was (and still am) the happiest I've been in I don't know how long. I feel so accomplished, so driven ... so blessed. And thus I felt the need to have a bash and do it up ... and that I did ... But first I cut my hair. Yes, I chopped it into a bob and I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT! I look so different ... grown and sexy! YES!

So, back to my birthday ... First someone very special, who will remain nameless, took me out to dinner. Of course I was late. An hour late! And this guy is a time ogre so that was a little wack but ... Damn, I really couldn't help it this time. I made such an effort to be on time! It was Uncle Murphy doing what he does best - fuckin' shit up. First my stylist was late. Yes, I had a stylist come to my house to do my hair and make up (WORK GIRL!) ... So of course that fucked me up. So I decided to take a cab ($55 - JEEZ!) and traffic was so crazy it took me an hour and a half to get downtown. ARG! But when I got there and I cracked his pissed off shell, we had a great time laughing and talking and, yes, flirting ... And the food was delish ... but he was even more delish ... So anyway, we get to the spot, he buys me a bottle of Moet (DAMN!) and my night just improved from there ... He left early (old man!) and my friends were late (Damn boxing match delayed the masses) but I still danced my tail off and drank myself merry! ...

What made this b-day even more fantastic was that that very week I started a new job at an online mag (dosomething.org) where I am in charge of all the content. Mind you, I interviewed for another job and they loved me so much, they created a job just for me! Yes, I'm that fly (bows & giggles) ... I spend my day writing and editing and researching. LOVE IT! To finally be recognized for my gifts ... to be doing this full time, not just on the side is so overwhelmingly great ... I know I'm embarking on a truly promising road ... and this is only the beginning ... and all because I got proactive, because I took charge of my life ... How sweet it is!

So, basically, I'm not angry. I've just awakened to a lot of realities. I learned long ago that you can't keep negativity close 'cause it's contagious. You have to keep that shit away from you ... I mean, people will have negative moments. Shit, we all do. But I'm talking about people that walk around with that cloud over their heads ... I'm just not with it. I can't do it ... so I let go and keep it moving. I got too much going for me right now ... I have a nena to worry about and empires to build ... and thus I move forth ... Still wish them the best but they have to do them and, of course, I must do me!

Over it!

It's been a minute since I blogged on this site but I felt compelled to do so, so here I am. I guess I'm writing this 'cause I'm at such a more evolved state in my life and my attitude ... This year has been absolutely AMAZING for me. I published my first book, had a short story featured in an anthology, just finished the first draft of my second novel, and got a new job as a fulltime content writer and editor at an online magazine ... My cup runneth over dude! And I know it happened 'cause I stopped bitching and moaning and complaining and became proactive. I had to make changes in myself and all aspects of my life in order for my dreams to come to fruition ... And that's been my greatest lesson this year ... that when you want something so bad it burns, you gotta go after it, period. And nobody's gonna hold your hand, no one's gonna coddle you and assuage your every worry ... no one's gonna work for you ... you gotta do, period, point blank ... So that's what I did ... what I've been doing ... and hence why this year has been so f'ing amazing for me.

And with all these changes I've been making ... all the work I've done on V has made me more aware of the people I surround myself with ... I've become more appreciative of the great friends I have in my world. I am blessed to have an eclectic group of driven, ambitious individuals who are supportive of me and my daughter ... They are there when I have a project I need them to edit, they're there. When I have an emotional moment and need to vent, they're there. When I have a weekend to be an adult (cause the nena is with daddy), they're there to toast with me and catch up ... Whenever anything happens, they are there ... and I love them for it ... for who they are ... and for their neverending support and love ...

Then there are those that I realized are not on the level I am. I'm not trying to be condescending here but the reality is the reality ... If you're harping on old grudges, I can't fuck with you. If you're immature and/or insecure, and thus threatened by my success and the moves I'm making, I can't fuck with you. If you're manipulative and tell me half truths, I can't fuck with you. You will eventually learn that the truth ALWAYS comes out dude ... If you're stuck in your early twenties when you're in your late twenties or early thirties, I can't fuck with you ... If you can't handle how real I am and how I won't mince words to assuage your oversensitive ass, I can't fuck with you. If you do shady shit to my friends and then front like you didn't, I can't fuck with you. If you make excuses for your life and the fact that you haven't done shit with yourself, I can't fuck with you. Listen, life's a bitch! Get over it and move the fuck on! I only care to hear your story if you've actually overcome it or are making moves to overcome it, NOT if you're stuck in the mire of your self-pity. I don't want drama in my life so if you're a drama magnet or enjoy causing drama, I can't fuck with you ... If you don't realize that friends aren't here to make excuses for you and with you ... that as your friend, I will read you if I have to ... that to me friendship means being real not catering to your whims, fancies and mood ... if you can't handle that, I can't fuck with you.

I am so loyal to my friends, it's ridiculous ... but I don't make friends easily and I know that. I'm brutal and I'm not in denial about it. I know what I want and I won't settle for less. I'm real, what you see is what you get. I don't wear masks and I can't be friends with people who do. Friendship to me is sacred, as a result, if you slight me, chances are I'll cut you off. It is what it is ... and I think the reason I only have a small group of very close people ... and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today

I just want to write. I want to sit at my desk, surrounded by candles, with the window open so I can feel the breeze, and just let my fingers dance across the keyboard. Let my muse take over and run wild ... I don't want to do mundane work. I don't want to eat nor drink. I just want to write. To let go of what's eating my brain cells, making me toss and turn at night, and walk around like a zombie during the day ... The thoughts that have been dominating my mind ... my passions, my dreams ... wanting to move on to a new field ... where I can write and edit and create ... where I can touch people, lives with my gift ... my words ... my enthusiasm ... my spirit ...

I tried working on my latest book but my mind was racing and I had trouble putting the thoughts down ... so I put it aside and now, that's all I want to work on ... so tonight I'll sit at my desk after the baby is in bed and I'll write ... I'll edit and I'll complete it ... earlier than expected ... here we go!

It's absolutely amazing

what you can do when you put your mind to it dude! In the past month and a half I've gotten a refresher course on my abilities, my strength and how committed I can be.

I started the South Beach diet about six weeks ago. For some time I knew I had to do something about my weight and overall health. I mean, I wasn't obese or anything but I was definitely out of shape and overweight. Ever since I had my daughter, I'd put my health on the backburner and had become a serious carb junkie. I mean, I've always loved carbs. I love sweets, rice, pasta, bread. All the stuff that's bad for you. But before, I ate it in moderation or at least somewhat ... but that was balanced by my being a gym rat. I worked out four to five times a week so I was cut up, in awesome shape. Then I had my little one and that went out the window. But this year, with everything I've done professionally, the internal work I've done and the great strides I've made in pursuing my passions, I wanted to extend that to the external - my body and health. So six weeks ago, I stopped eating the things I loved the most. For the first week, I was irritable ... well, I was straight up bitchy! I was getting headaches, was frustrated all the time ... and I craved my carbs - my extra large cup of java with six sugars (yes, I liked a little coffee with my sugar), my bread, my oily rice ... oh and my pasta! But here I am six weeks later and I have yet to eat any of it. Yes, I could have reintroduced carbs in moderate amounts in the third week but I felt so good at that point, my energy was up, and I wasn't craving the carbs so I've maintained the high protein, low carb diet this long. Thanksgiving is around the corner and while I intend on having some carbs (HELLO! It's the holidays!), I know I won't overdo it.

I've lost 12+ pounds and inches on my J-Lo booty (yes, it's that big and I love it - giggles), my waist, my legs! I also started working out. I can't go to the gym right now (who's gonna stay with the nena?) but I can make due with what I have - dumbbells, a medicine ball, and tension bands. And with the little I've done ... or rather what I thought was little (of course I'm comparing it to squating 100+ pounds in the gym), I'm sore! That means it's working ... I'm tearing muscle! And you have to tear muscle to make them grow!

And that's not the only moves I've made. While I've expressed frustration with my job, I hadn't really done much about it. I'd posted my resume on the net but beyond that, my efforts were minimal. Then I became proactive and, damn, the results have been almost instantaneous. I picked up the book "What Color Is Your Parachute?" ... well, actually the book kinda fell in my lap (Coincidence? I think not)... The book is all about making life changing career moves. It gives you exercises you can do to in essence create a visual of what your ideal job would be. And if anyone has read or seen the documentary "The Secret" (all about the laws of attraction), you know that it's all about visualizing and bringing your dreams to you! So that's what I did ... and I reworked my resume to focus on my professional accomplishments in my passions - writing, editing and working with youth ... and low and behold, I got a callback for a job I applied for and I ROCKED THAT INTERVIEW TODAY! I was invited back for a second interview too! I haven't fully committed to the position 'cause I'm still feeling it out, figuring out if it's the road I want to go but the point is that I know I'm on the right path! This is the reinforcement I needed to convince me that I have the skills to take my career endeavors to that next level! And it's all because I made that decision to do so ... to become proactive!

So now my 32nd birthday (GAG! 32!) is a month away and I'm celebrating with those I love at a lounge downtown. I've often been my greatest critic, harder on myself than even my worst adversary can be ... and I've decided that this year I am going to celebrate everything I've accomplished ... I've done so much, taken so many strides towards my dream, I want to celebrate that!

I know 2008 is going to be an astonishing year. I feel on the brink ... like me and my people, my business partners and friends, are on the brink of ridiculous success ... the manifestation of the vision we've maintained and been working towards for so long ... I'm ripe and ready! Bring it!

It's been a minute

since I sat here at my desk and blogged. I've been focused on making career moves, writing, etc... you know, life.

Today I interviewed two Latina writers. Specifically, two of three (the third being me) who write "urban fiction." It was interesting to hear what drives people to write, their inspirations, their histories... Still, despite our disparate lives and paths, there were common threads.

I went into it with no expectations but endless curiosities. I wanted to know what shaped their, their work ... and what I found floored me for our lives have been so utterly different. One of them was reared in the Patterson Projects of the South Bronx, without a father in the home and a mother who neglected her, she married at eighteen, and twenty years later is still married to the same man, has two teenage children, and a seemingly functional, happy life. The other was just released from prison eight months ago after serving five years +, this being the third time she was in jail in her short years. She didn't tell me her age but from her energy and her deeming me "still a baby" at my farely ripe age of 32, I gather she's either in her late or early forties. Neither finished college but both see a future in writing.

The common threads are numerable: releasing their pain and frustrations in writing during their youth; lured by the "excitement" of the street thus becoming knowledged in "the game" and the street hustle; their books were birthed during or after tragic moments in their lives (much like mine with the death of my second mom and the crumbling of my relationship with my daughter's father); their fathers were pretty much absent from their lives or played peripheral roles; reared by strong mothers who instilled strong morals and values in them, namely independence and fortitude; driven by a yearning to do something positive with their lives; we were all driven to writing "urban fiction" not just by our lives and experiences, but by other writers of urban fiction, if not to prove ourselves then to introduce more substance to the game; and all love the labels put on them including that of "Latina writer" and "urban fiction writer".

I'm fascinated at how we all have walked such immensely different paths but have come to a common place: that of writing. I'm looking forward to writing this article. I've made notes and intend on listening to the interviews several times prior to actually writing it ... but this blog serves as my first step towards the actual piecing together of the article. I'm still figuring out how to include my take on urban fiction. I mean, I'm not trying to offend anyone ... and I admit that this may be my bourgeoisie, "elite-education-minded/guided" side that may be talking, but I insist that this genre will not have full credibility in the literary world until people start taking onus of what they put out there. I mean, a typo here and there is understandable. Sometimes you just won't catch anything. Shit, I've found missteps in extremely popular books including one by Isabel Allende and even a Stephen King book. But when the books are riddled with typos and grammatical errors, there's a problem. Authors, editors AND publishing companies/houses must be accountable for the work they put out there, PERIOD!

I'm an avid reader and, particularly as a writer, I need a book to be legible. I also need a plot and sorry but money, sex and drugs does not a book make. Tell me a story. It doesn't have to be an original. I mean, realistically we've seen stories regurgitated a million and one times ... the story is in the telling. Give me something that will make me fight my sleep, one eye open struggling to stay open just to read the next few lines! Make me feel the characters. Make me cry for them, feel pain for them, feel happy for them, excited, contend, SOMETHING! And far too many of these books are lacking in that ... I mean, there's an audience for everything but PLEASE ... I digress ... The point ultimately is that I have to find a way to mention all these frustrations without insulting anyone ... Is it possible? I guess that I shall see.

It's been a minute

since I posted a blog ... or since I wrote anything really ... I've been doing some "cleaning house" persay ... trying to clear my mind ... or rather thinking about the moves I need to make ... how I want to, intend on bring these changes to my world ...

I'm not happy with my job. I mean, I love my kids ... shit, they're the reason I keep going back everyday ... but the particulars of the job, the politics, the mundane nonsense has got me to the point where I know for certain that I need to move on. At this point, it's holding me back ... Part of me feels guilty because I know these kids need me, want me ... I'm not giving myself a pat on the shoulder here, I'm just being real. These kids have few people to look up to, to inspire them, to guide them ... People that they can actually relate to ... And many have found that in me ... but at this point I feel I'm going to have to help them in another way ... I mean, I think I'm willing to stay on some level. Like I'm willing to continue doing the afterschool writing club and book club but other than that, I'm pretty much done. So, last weekend, I recommitted myself to a job hunt and all of a sudden, the cosmos stepped in to demonstrate that the planets are in my favor ... I mean, it all comes down to what one sets one's mind to, no? If you put the energy out there, it's going to respond, no? Anyway, my point is that I got a response quick ...

I spend Saturday hustling, doing street promos ... that evening I went to a friend's house to chill out and vibe ... I'd actually spent the day with him; he pushed his t-shirts while I pushed my book. We packed up pretty late and he invited me over for some friendly conversation and intellectual energy. I walked into his lobby and a book was lying on a table ... "What Color is Your Parachute?" ... It's all about finding your niche and how you can get the job of your dreams by putting in some work, visualizing it, and putting it down ... All along the lines of The Secret and the laws of attraction, etc... Stuff I've heard of but realistically haven't put much into practice ... old habits die hard, huh? So I've been working on this project and damn, I'm feeling more positive and hopeful by the moment ... It's so easy to get in a rut and mope around 'cause one isn't happy with their situation ... I gotta stop doing that ... I'm not happy so what am I doing about it? So I've given myself a deadline of my birthday ... then I'm out ... I'd love to give a month's notice ... just 'cause I'm not shady like that and don't believe in burning bridges ... but I have to do what's right for me and if a life-changing opportunity comes around, I'm jumping on it quick ... What's crazy is despite the slight trepidation that's looming on the outskirts ... that I've been pushing aside and prodding away with my everpresent sense of hope and belief and confidence, I'm really feeling like this is it for me ... I'm going to find something that is going to be fulfilling in every sense of the word ... A job where I'll be learning and creating ... where I won't feel completely overqualified and unchallenged ... So that's what I'm working on at the moment ...

And being a Sag and always being on the grind and setting goals, I've also given myself a deadline of my birthday (which is by the way in about six weeks) to finish the first draft of my second novel. I put it aside and have worked on it here and there, done some editing and the like but not much ... I know I needed some time to take care of the first book (promote it, etc.) but I can't lose sight of the vision because I'm handling other particulars ...

You know, the other day, yesterday I think, I came across a description of Sagitarrius's and I chuckled at something that was said ... it was something along the lines that we aim high ... for the sky ... but not just anything in the sky ... it's the stars we hope to reach ... Damn, ain't that the truth?! I'm never satisfied ... I mean, I reach one goal and I move on to the next ... set more to accomplish more ... It's this mindset that's gotten me this far ... but it's also this mindset that's made me sometimes not really enjoy what I've done ... to relish in the fulfillment of a dream ... There's just so much to be done ... always something else to do, to move towards ... I never stop ... my energy is spastic ... sometimes I wonder how it is I can sit down ... I'm always on the go, go, go ... Even on days when I can relax, I don't ... Like today it was rainy and gross out so I could have chilled out with my nena and watched some flicks and whatever but I didn't ... I washed clothes, cleaned the house, completed my lesson plans for the week and even finished up the flyers and decor for the Latino Heritage Month event I'm spearheading on Tuesday ... Wow! I didn't realize how much I'd done until I wrote it ... 'cause what's funny is that I feel I could have done more!
That's why this diet almost killed me when I first started it three weeks ago ...

I started the South Beach diet and the first week or so was torture. My energy was low, I was getting headaches, was crabby as hell (more than usual - LOL!) ... Shit, I didn't realize the effect carbs have on your body until I didn't have any ... What caused me the most grief was that I had such low energy ... I mean, I'm okay now but it wasn't cool for a minute there ... I was really weak and I'm just not used to feeling like that ... Whatever the case, I'm losing weight quick and am everexcited to buy "the dress" for my birthday ... by then I know I'll be celebrating both the 32nd (GAG!) and the beginning of a new phase in my career endeavors ... it's a life change y'all!

Just thinking ...

So here I am just practice session writing ... I haven't felt exactly "filled with Muse" but I can't say I've been stagnant either ... I haven't really been working on the new novel though. This one is different than the first ... The first poured out of me ... It had been marinating for so long that when I finally sat down at the computer, it was like a dam had broken and it all gushed out ... I barely slept, ate or did anything else but write for two weeks ... and thus Woman's Cry came to be. This as of yet untitled novel is taking a bit longer ... I also don't have the time on my hands that I did back then but it's also a number of other factors ... including my state of mind ... perhaps some insecurities because this book is so different than the first ... I know it's also 'cause the character is so much more complicated ... the plot much more intricate ... It's my second installment and it must live up to the first ... or rather, outshine the first ... so while I'm feeling hesitant and a bit worried, I don't want to write when I'm feeling insecure ... I have to write for me, from the gut and to do so takes a clearer state of mind than the present ... so I started rereading it and editing ... different story lines have crossed my mind but I've opted to let it sit and simmer and just be until I take to the keyboard and type away ...

As for all else, it is what it is ... I've been doing some street promotions and am taken aback by some of the reactions ... all positive, some flooring ... Two girls cried upon meeting me, swearing that they were so touched by the story, they were moved to tears ... Another read the book in one night and sent me a long message to my myspace page ... She said that she's been going through a rough patch and the book took her away from that for a while ... It's rewarding to see that my book has touched so many lives but it's still kinda surreal ... and at the same time I wonder, if it's so good, if it's so well received, when is it going to happen for me? I know this is my first installment but I've been through so much already, I am anxious to see the fruition of the dream ... And I know this is the path that I must walk, that this is all in preparation for what is to come but there are days, like yesterday, when I am overcome by impatience and anxiety ... It's scary to do this ... I mean, I know I could be making more money and could even perhaps have some semblance of stability but would I be happy? Probably not ... No, let me correct that, definitely not ... I'd always wonder what could have happened and I can't live like that ... It's not in my nature ... so I'll continue to grind and hustle and write and dream and visualize and write some more ... and one day I know it will pay off as I've visualized it all along ...

Random Facts About Me

I don't know what prompted this entry ... I was just thinking about who I am and so ...

- I can be very silly.
- I love, love, love to dance.
- I enjoy a night out on the town.
- I'm a Grey Goose and Cranberry with a slice of lime type of chica.
- I live for boots!
- I'm in love with love.
- I have ridiculously high standards ...
- I've met beautiful men in my life but few have gotten farther than a conversation - Note: "Holler", "What up ma?", "occupated" (inside joke) are not in my vocabulary and will cause me to walk abruptly away from you.
- I am terribly protective of my daughter.
- I am independent to a fault.
- I need financial management.
- I'm a horrible liar.
- I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
- I love having long hair but am over having the same look since I was ten.
- I'm a sucker for a friend.
- If I don't like you, chances are I never will.
- I can be soooo shady.
- I hold grudges.
- Did I say I was in love with love?
- I think about love all the time and wonder when I'll find it ... or when it will find me.
- I'm misunderstood.
- People claim to know me but very few do.
- If my "self-talk" were on an open forum, I think I'd be institutionalized. LOL!
- I write stories in my head all the time.
- I'm a lot less confident than I let on.
- My fondest memories from childhood include my second mom ... and my first love Ruben.
- My fondest memories in life include my nena (she is my everything) ...
- If I could go back to any time in history, I'd go back to college ... Good times.
- I can't count how many times I've been out dancing.
- And I can't count how many times I've prayed to the porcelain gods ... LOL!
- I love to cook but don't find much time for it these days.
- I am optimistic to a fault ... some may even say I'm not realistic ... to those I give the middle finger.
- Before having my nena, I was one of those crazy people that went to the gym at 5am. My body was SICK! But even then I wasn't terribly confident.
- I don't have many friends.
- I feel lonely a lot of the time.
- I think being a single parent is lonelier than being single ...
- I still haven't given up on love and don't think I ever will.
- I get cabin fever easily ... I just need to be out and about doing something.
- I may have regrown a hymen ... Bwahahahahahahahaha ...
- I am extremely sexual and sensual ... I just hold it down.
- Favorite sport: rollerblading and handball
- Favorite artists: Frida Kahlo, Picasso, Dali, Monet
- Favorite singer of all time: Sade and Mary J. Blige
- Favorite song at the moment: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
- Favorite movie: Forrest Gump ("And then in the desert, when the sun comes up... I couldn't tell where heavens stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful.")
- When I was a kid, I'd get up early on Saturday mornings to watch "Gummy Bears" ...
- Boarding school was very hard for me ... I lived in a perpetual state of depression ...
- I used to try very hard to fit in ... Now I don't give a fuck ... either love me or leave me alone.
- I am a talker ...
- I'm an extrovert but have a strong loner gene.
- I can't count how many books I've read ... I feel off when I'm not reading something.
- I can be messy ... but can also be neurotically clean ... weird!
- I can't stand complacency.
- If you're not about something, chances are you'll never be part of my inner circle.
- I don't make friends easily.
- I'm pretty open with who I am ... I don't live with shame ... No regrets ... you live and you learn.
- The last time I felt safe was in his arms ... *sighs*
- I'm on a mission to complete myself because finding completion in another is a farce.
- While it's human to want companionship, for a long time I thought needing someone was a sign of weakness.
- I'm still trying to understand the world and people.
- Sometimes I wish I could read people's minds but most of the time I know that could be dangerous.
- I can be a bitch but I can't be malicious.
- I am ever so sensitive.
- I want world peace ... I figured I'd end it with a beauty pageant answer ... LOL! (I saw Ms. Congeniality the other day)

I feel her pain

I just had one of my eleventh grade students open up to me ... She's renting a room and has been on her own, after being repeatedly thrown out by her mother, for two years now. Her strenghth and pain is palpable.

It began two weeks ago when I was teaching students the skill of writing a resume and informing them that part of my class entails a requirement of fulfilling fifteen hours of community service. She raised her hand and asked, "What if you have a job?" To which I responded, "Well, you'll have to figure out how to find the time to meet the requirement." "What if you have to work because you have to take care of yourself 'cause you have no one to do that?" A knot flew to my throat. I had to remain composed because I was in front of the class but I saw the anxiety written on her face ... She shook her head and rolled her eyes. She didn't feel that I understood ... but I so do. "I know what you're going through ma. I've been on my own since I was thirteen ... I'll work with you. Let's talk later." We didn't get to really talk until today ...

I invited her to a college trip we're having next week. She asked me if she could just sign the consent form. I pulled her aside and asked, "You're on your own." That's when she started her story ... Her mother was and remains very abusive. She would take her hard earned money and give it to her drug addict boyfriend. The mom was hardly ever there so this young child, I'll call her Lane, had to care for her two little sisters. Then her mother would get upset when Lane would discipline the girls or instruct them to help around the house. She kicked her house on many occasions. Lane gave me a vivid picture of how she slept in the hallway in a t-shirt and slippers when it was sub-zero weather outside. She finally left, for her own sanity and safety. Her boyfriend's father offered to help. They gave her a room but after witnessing marital disputes, she realized that she couldn't be there either so she rented a room ... Lane cried when she told me about how she has no one ... When she received an excellent report card last year, she'd show the women at her job ... She needed someone to be proud of her ... She works everyday after school until midnight, then goes home to do her homework while struggling to keep her eyes open ... She sobbed when she told me stories she's heard from people about going home to take a nap, then working on their homework with their parents ... "I don't have that and it's hard." ... I told her that she should be proud of herself that despite her circumstances, she's still in school ... I am going to help her however I can ... I've already called the social worker and am waiting for her to call me back to see what programs and assistance we can provide ...

I just feel so heavy ... After hearing this, I swear some women should have their uteruses removed ... I mean, why would you bring a child into the world to suffer so much ... I would NEVER turn my back on my daughter. Vasialys has me for as long as I walk this earth ... I can't imagine neglecting her in such a vile manner ... to toss her to the sharks ... Never that ... My problems seem so miniscule right now ... *sighs* ...

Breaking it down and rebuilding

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Your Week Ahead Forecast: What did you have for breakfast on this day last year? Juice? Cereal? Toast? Would you like it again? By this, I don't mean, would you like to eat something very similar. I mean would you like cereal from the same packet? Milk from the same carton? Bread from the same loaf? Repetition is a fine thing. Stagnation, though, is not. Something in your life has recently been crying out for renewal and rediscovery. Once this process has fully taken place, everything may well end up almost exactly as it was. But, first, it has been essential to take it apart and rebuild it. That unnerving process of deconstruction and reconstruction is nearly over.

While I don't live my life according to the horoscopes, I find that this astrologer (www.cainer.com) is scarily on point sometimes. I've been going through a process of reconstruction ... I'm trying to break down the many walls I've built ... striving to accomplish the many goals I've set ... all while trying not to drive my crazy during my daily existence ... This weekend proved to me that I've come a long way ... and that I also have a little bit to go. This "hiatus" has been quite fruitful. I've accomplished quite a bit while abstaining ... but at the same time, I've negated myself and my human need for companionship ... And perhaps that's why when I finally found myself willing and able to open myself to a possibility, I acted out when that possibility wasn't ready for it ... And now I see my own tendencies to latch on to someone and give my all when not receiving much in return ... and that's just not cool. I deserve someone who will be at least equally as thoughtful and into it ... so I'm backing off and going into myself ... "to be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity" ... God I love that song ... It rings soooo true to what I'm going through right now ...

Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da

See what I'm going through really has nothing to do with him ... It's more about realizations and revelations of self that were uncovered through my exchanges with him ... the feelings I have ... the behaviors I've become aware of ... So I need to take care of V. Do I think our story is over? No ... but I have to do me for now ... and if we come together again and the timing is right, then let's see what happens ... I came across a poem on a friend's page and was floored by how appropriate it is ... I thought of him immediately ... how the timing has always been off ... and no matter how we feel, how much I long to see what it is we share and why ... the timing simply isn't right ...

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people.
Ones with whom you shared something special,
ones who will always mean something.
There's the one you first kissed,
the one you first loved,
the one you lost your virginity to,
the one you put on a pedestal,
the one you're with
...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?
I guess it's that person with who everything was great,
everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong.
There was no fault in the person,
there was no flaw in the chemistry,
but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone,
finding a longtime partner that is,
does not lie merely in the other person.
I can actually argue that an equal part,
or maybe even the greater part,
has to do with the matter of timing.
It has to do with you being ready to settle down
and commit to someone in a way that goes
beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it?
When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner,
it doesn't matter who you're with,
it just doesn't work.
Small problems become big;
inconsequentials become dealbreakers
simply because you're not ready and it shows.
It's not that you and the person you're with are no good;
it's just that it's not yet right,
and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are.
And when this happens you'll be
ready to settle down with someone.
He or she may not be the most perfect,
they might not be the brightest star of
romance to ever have burned in your life,
but it'll work because you're ready.
It'll work because it's the right time
and you'll make it work.
And it'll make sense,
...it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things,
and you find yourself to be a different person.
Things are different,
your approach is different,
you finally understand who you are
and what you want,
and you've become ready because the time has
truly arrived. And mind you,
there's no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you're single
but you could be in a long-term relationship,
you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter.
All you know is that you've changed,
and for some reason,
the one that got away,
is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them
because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?"
You'll wonder, "What if we were together now,
with me as I am and not as I was?"
That's what the one that got away is.
The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact
that the one that got away, GOT AWAY.
Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is,
this can happen to the best of us.
But hopefully you're mature enough to realize
that you're already with the one you're with
and this is just another test of your commitment,
one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it.
Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright.
It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married.
In which case it's the same thing.
You just have to accept and know that your
memories of that person will probably bring a
nice little SMILE to your lips in the future
when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different.
What do you do if it's not yet too late?
Simple...find him, find her.
Because the very existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder,
what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie,
it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere.
You'd be surprised, you just might be
"the one that got away" as well for the person who
is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere
and it won't make a difference.
If the timing is finally right,
it'll all just fall into place somehow
and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great
feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone....
"Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

-CHRISTIAN RYAN

Damn! So on point ... I would hate to live with that feeling that the one I wanted "got away" ... But life is like a box of chocolates, isn't it? *sighs* ... But I can't give anyone anything real and right until I'm real and right with myself ... so I'm deconstructing and reconstructing and hoping ... no, better yet, I'm sure that I'll be ripe and ready when it comes ... when the energy is so powerful that hearts call to one another ... and thus is the magic that makes this world go round ... that makes it all make sense ... this crazy, beautiful world ... Love baby, I'm talking about love.

Feeling the effects

I'm drained today. I spent the majority of the day yesterday doing street promotions for my book. I'd heard from one of the book vendors that I have a large fan base in the Marble Hill area of the Bronx where he posts his table twice a week. I decided to hit the streets on Sunday to see if I could push some books, and meet and greet the fans. I didn't expect what I encountered.

Two young women cried when they met me. They said they were so moved by my story that they were overcome with emotion upon meeting me. I was humbled and even somewhat embarrassed. I mean, while it feels great to receive such praise, to hear that my words are so powerful and that I've moved people to tears, it's also strange to hear it. I just don't consider myself completely worthy of such intense admiration. Yes, I wrote a book, but it's not something others can't do ... or perhaps it's that in trying to remain grounded, I've lost sight of this great accomplishment of which I should be more proud ...

I honestly felt like a celebrity and it was a bit awkward. Several people walked up to me and shook my hand, telling me that they read and loved my book ... that the story line was strong ... that they couldn't put it down ... And asked when I am planning on releasing another ... Wow!

I was so energized last night I had trouble sleeping ... I was mulling over my latest book ... thinking of where the story is going to go next ... knowing that people are waiting anxiously for my next installment ... So now I'm tired and drained ... It's so not going to be a productive day at work ... My brain is on slow mode ... I need some rest and a large dose of Vasia love ... She was with her dad all weekend so I'm looking forward to holding her and talking to her and hearing her myriad stories about her weekend ...

'Til next time ...

Ain't it sweet?

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Your Weekend: Some people say, 'There are more questions than answers'. It is actually the other way around. We are surrounded by answers - but, because we do not know the questions that relate to these, we fail to appreciate their importance. We focus only on those few questions to which the answers are elusive and thus we form a false picture of a world, which is full of unsolvable mysteries. An answer has been staring you in the face for ages. This weekend, you recognise the question that goes with it.

I posted my scope because when I read it I knew instantly that I was in for an interesting weekend ... and that it has DEFINITELY been.

So last night I went to a "friend's" birthday party. His thirtieth. Him being the one I've been pining for for some time ... I went with no expectations. Hopes? Yes. But no expectations nonetheless. I've come to understand that he's just not where I am and that's really okay ... now more than ever. After a great night of dancing and talking and vibing ... sidelong glances and working the crew, I came upon him kissing another. What most amazes me is that I wasn't really phased. It was 4am, the bar crowd had dwindled and there he was in a corner, lip locked with a female ... and it was okay then ... and I'm okay now. I've been walking around my now spotless apartment (after a mission of several days of backbreaking work that included moving couches and beds and futons and throwing out masses of junk) on a cloud, fascinated by how calmly I've taken all this. I mean, I can't deny that I dig the guy ... I've been digging him for twelve years ... and some time ago, his inability to open himself to me frustrated me to no end but now ... now I'm good with it all. Perhaps it's that I'm finally opening myself up to more possibilities. Perhaps it's that I finally feel ready to date and get out there. No, I'm not interested in a booty call or frivolous anything for that matter ... but I'm ready to give someone a chance ... to build ... and my mind and heart isn't dead set just on him as it was just weeks ago ... I don't know how I got here ... I think it's that I'm becoming more accepting of life and how out of my control it is on so many levels ... and with that, I've grown more accepting of myself and my coping abilities ... and that extends to others and my ability to empathize ... My growth in the past few months has been extensive ... I'm still finding myself ... I'm still evolving ... and I'm finally in a good place with me ... and that's such a great place to be ... ain't that sweet?

Moments of Lucidity

It's moments like these that I cherish ... when life makes sense and I realize that everything I go through, the emotional rollercoaster, the highs and lows, the doubts and frustrations, are all part of the process ... my constant evolution ... my path ...

I was supposed to do street promos today ... was up at 6:30am amped and ready to hustle ... checked the weather and the forecast was all clear ... sunny and warm ... and on my commute to my boy's house (my publisher and best friend), it started raining ... so here I am at his computer typing away, not even fretting over the change in plans ... not worried that I have $55 to my name for the next couple of days ... Why? Because I know that I'll be alright, that the money's going to come ... that one day real soon, I am going to pay off my debt, buy a condo, a Range Rover, and, more importantly, put my daughter in private school ... It's really all about perspective, isn't it?

The other day I had a very interesting conversation with a co-worker of mine who is quite religious. She seems to be one of the most openminded religious people I've encountered in my life thusfar. One of the reasons I shun religion and the religious is because of the in your face, self-righteous banter that pervades conversations with them ... I won't pretend to be an innocent party to it. I am defensive about religion and my beliefs. Still, I was able to have a wonderful conversation with this young woman to the point that when we were done, I hugged her.

She listened to me and understood my belief that God enters peoples lives and reaches them in different ways ... I don't believe there is solely one way to God. I argue against the contention that the only way to God is through the Bible or any religious institution/book for that matter ... God speaks to me through my writing ... I pray through my writing ... I hear the Higher Force through the words that often come from outside of me, that resonate through me ... Perhaps that is why I find solace and redemption through the written word ... that's where it all makes sense and why I keep coming back to it time and time again ... and why when I don't write, I feel lost and confused, down and depressed ... off equilibrium ...

This woman was so open to hearing me and understanding me and not judging me that I didn't cringe when she quoted the Bible ... I didn't shut down when she spit scripture ... I listened, found myself willing and wanting to hear her ideas, her conjectures ... It was fascinating and reminded me of God and how that force is working throughout my life ... blessing me even through the hard times ... and thus I have faith that my life is entering a new phase that is sure to bowl me over ... I am in a state of flux, of metamorphosis ... I am being prepared for what is to come ... for the manifestation of the vision I've been creating throughout my experiences, my 31 years ... the stage is being set and I am amped and anxious ... Here I come world ... you ready?

Trying to hold my head up

I'm in a weird mood. It's not that I'm melancholic nor am I angry ... but I'm not jumping out of my skin ecstatic either ... I'm just pensive, introspective ... wondering about my life, decision I've made ... I don't regret anything, even the stupid shit I've done (which has been quite a bit) 'cause everything is a learning experience. Still, there are some financial decisions I've made that are catching up to me now and I can't help but ponder over it ... I know I'll get out of it soon enough but ... well, it can weigh heavy on you, you know? ...

I'm not a materialistic person. Never have been. Still, there are some comforts in life that only money can provide - like a condo (don't want a house right now), a car (Range Rover, thank you very much), tuition to prestigious private schools for the nena ... and the like ... and while I know that I'll get that someday soon, right now I'm living check to check while I pursue the dream and it's, well, weighing on me ... Still, I know I have to keep my head up ... Must stay positive because the energy you put out is the same energy you get back.

I've also been wondering about my love life ... or rather, lack thereof ... Loneliness is kicking my ass. I want someone to ride with me and just don't have that nor am I getting that vibe from my "love interest" hence here I am ... The good thing (I think) is that I feel I'm finally ready to get out there and start dating again ... the only issue is that I'm so busy and strapped for cash, that I don't even know where to begin. My sorority sister told me she met some interesting people on match.com. I've never been into the internet dating thing because I have this preconceived notion that only weirdos troll the net for love, dating, etc. Still, they can't possibly be more weird than some of the men I've met in the NYC night life ... hence the hard lesson that a club is NOT the place to meet a potential mate. LOL! So, I'm back at square one ...

I spent the past weekend moving furniture and cleaning. I had rented a room. Not because I needed the money or anything but because my cousin's boyfriend was in a bad situation (basically, he'd been kicked out in the middle of the night) and needed help so I decided to pay it forward. I've been in many a situation when I've needed help and someone always lent me a helping hand so ... Anyway, he moved out last week (in a not so nice way but that's neither here nor there) and when I woke up on Saturday I got a sudden burst of energy and started moving couches and beds (mine and my daughter's) and futons and paintings. It was quite ridiculous and I was sore for days and still have bruises to show for it but my bedroom and the nena's room (which is now a playroom 'cause realistically she's never slept in her room) look great! Still, my living room, foyer and kitchen are still a mess. I know it's a process ... sometimes you have to create chaos to muster peace but jeez! This is hard work and I have no one to help me (nor am I the type to ask for help) so I have to do it slowly. I've been getting home so exhausted from work that I haven't been able to do much ... Still, I have this weekend to work on it so hopefully by Sunday night, I'll have some semblance of organization in the rest of my space ... My desk alone will probably take an entire day! LOL! I'm admittedly not the tidiest person but I've gotten much better ... It's the artist in me. We simply aren't that organized nor are we neurotic about it ... Still, I need to clear some mental and spiritual space so ...

I've been feeling for some time that I'm going through a metamorphosis. I'm 31, about to be 32 in about 2 1/2 month (GAG!), am a published writer working on her second novel (as Jamaicans would say, "Soon come), a single mom, aspiring writer, educator ... I want that "change" to extend to every part of me so I've decided to 1) Do the Atkins diet and 2) cut my hair.

I'm trying Atkins for a number of reasons. I'm a carb junkie. I love pasta and rice and bread. I mean LOVE IT! And while I know that part of the reason I haven't lost all of the baby weight (about 12 - 15 lbs.) is because I simply haven't found a way to make it the gym (who's going to stay with my nena while I sweat away doing my favorite - squats), another integral part of my dilemma is my diet. If I could just learn to eat carbs in moderation, I can lose weight more steadily ... so I'm going to learn more about the diet/lifestyle change and am going to try it in about two weeks ... Wish me luck!

I've also decided to cut my hair. Those who know me will tell you that one of my distinguishing features is my past-waist length hair. It's gorgeous, I won't deny that but I'm over it. I need something different. I've had the same "do" since I was about 10 years old. I need a change ... and I figure, if I hate it, my hair grows like weeds so I'll just regrow it ... So, by my birthday (December 9th), when I have my body back and am done with the second novel, I am going to cut my hair ... It's a big decision, I may even cry but I'm ready ... so that's that .... Off I go to bed and to tend to Ms. Thing who is having a fit ...

When Am I Going To Get My Break?

God, I'm so frustrated right now. I just got home after a long day of work and fulfilling family duties, and I find a forebodingly thin envelope in my mailbox. Turns out I didn't get the fellowship I applied for back in June ... a fellowship that would have certainly helped me both financially and professionally ... so right now I'm having a private self-pity party ... Damn! I just want it to happen already and wonder WHEN? When will I get my break?

Today, at a company basketball game I was forced to go to, I was "warned" that perhaps I should ask my co-worker to put my book away. I turned and saw that my co-worker was deeply enmashed in a beginning chapter. I refused to tell her to hide the book 'cause 1) she's an adult and can decide for herself what she can read and 2) I'm tired of the political bullshit going on at the job (mind you, primarily behind the scenes and behind my back). Apparently, some of the higher ups at my j.o.b. have taken issue with the content of my book. At this point, I couldn't possibly give a flying fuck. I mean, this is my book, something I put all my life force into, the first in my path toward the fruition of my dream, and some cualquiera with a severe Napolean complex is going to dare to question me, my life and my dream because he can't handle graphic sex scenes and drug use. Hello! This is the real world and we're all adults. We all have sex, I just write about it and what the fuck is wrong with that?! We are sexual beings by nature! Dude, relax!

Anyway, my co-worker then went on to tell me that I don't know how much fighting went on to keep me at the job. I wanted to say, "You know what, I don't fucking care! If they want to fire me, let them have the balls to do it." Instead, I rolled my eyes and kept reading, fighting to hide the simmering rage in my breast. Seriously, this place doesn't even rank in the top 10 of my priority list. While I absolutely LOVE my kids, working with and educating them, seeing them strive and pursue their dreams, this is ultimately just a job that pays the bills in the meantime ... that's it. Realistically, I know I can go out and do temp work where I would get a lot more money and could eventually get a full time job where I'll be making many more G's and will have health insurance, etc. Will it be as fulfilling as working with my kids? No, probably not ... but I also won't have to deal with the bureaucratic nonsense that I have to put up with at this dumb ass non-profit organization ...

What most riles me is that many of these people claim to be religious ... many even go to the same church ... That in itself is fishy, no? As I always say, if it smells like fish, then it's fish ... But how can you dare claim to follow the Lord and then go around and do mean-spirited things to people simply because they don't cater to your ego? Sorry, but that's a sin in my book ... I may not be religious, but I am spiritual and I know for sure that God don't like ugly ... what you do WILL come back to you ... and not later but now, right here in this lifetime ...

So, on top of all this b.s., I come home to that letter ... I know it's the life of a writer ... I know that I can submit a million applications to grants, fellowships, etc. ... and send a trillion manuscripts to companies, magazines, etc. ... and chances are only a few will gush over my writing but DAMN! That doesn't make this any easier to cope with ... It's just hard to put so much energy and positivity into something you deem your calling, to then get shot down and told, "please try again next year" ... F you dude! ... But as I am me, a writer, an artist, a go getter, as far from a quitter as anyone can possibly be, I am going to keep writing, and applying to fellowships and grants, and sending manuscripts out ... 'cause it's what I have to do and I can't imagine doing anything else ... I can't give up simply because I didn't get one ... As Emile Zola said so eloquently, "If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you, 'I am here to live out loud.'"

Just today I made a "Dream" To-Do List ... I have an idea of creating an anthology of stories by people like me who were raised in same sex families ... I haven't seen anything like it yet and think it's a great time for it to happen ... I also want to put together an anthology of Latina(0) writers like me - who were exposed to both the grittiness of the streets and the world of upper class America through boarding school and/or a higher education ... I know I have tons of stories in the cache about those experiences and am certain that those with similar experiences have them to ... why not work to put those stories together into a book? ... So, I'm going to start doing research on websites, mags, etc. where I can post calls for submissions ... I have a meeting with my publisher this weekend and am going to discuss the idea with him ...

My second novel is coming along nicely ... Actually, it's already 120+ manuscript pages longer than my first novel so ... (Let me explain that: in manuscript form - that is, before it was put into book form - Woman's Cry was 160 pages (250 pages in book form) ... The new, as of yet untitled novel is already 272 pages and it's not even done yet ... It's like the more trust I put into my voice, the further she takes it, the more complex she makes my characters and intricate the tale ...

I still haven't written the article for the magazine I'm executive editor of ... I'm working on an article on Latinas in the urban genre and have repeatedly tried to schedule a meeting to interview a female in the biz but as is the life of a mother and wife, she's cancelled on me several times but, hopefully (fingers crossed), we'll finally do it this weekend ...

I also have to get to work on the first of a pentagonia (five part series) of memoirs ... It's been in the works for years and I have a number of short stories ready but ... I guess, because it's a memoir, it's just so personal and thus touches closer to home, hence I've put off completing it ... I think unconsciously I worry about what my family will say, how they'll feel, etc. ... I mean, like it or not, my relationship with my mother has always been and remains quite antagonistic. Yes, I have some fond memories but for the most part, she wasn't very loving and I still carry much resentment and anger towards her ... and no matter how hard I try to heal the wounds and bridge the chasm between us, she always manages to criticize and ridicule me to the point where I just want to scream and say, "Damn mom, when will you ever stop? Why can't you just love me?" Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that my mother loves me ... It's the way she loves me that's the problem ... So yes, I am afraid of her reaction when she reads my hurtful memories of our constant battles ... While I learned long ago that I can't live my life trying to please her, I also don't want to shun her nor push her away any farther than she already is ... But I guess it is inevitable because I have to write the memoirs ... It's not really about if, it's about when ... As Isabel Allende once said, "Write what must not be forgotten." ... And while it's painful, writing is my purge, my healing, hence I must do it ...

So there it is ... I've tried to claw these feelings of inadequacy and frustration from my being by writing about it ... and while a part of me feels a bit lighter, another is still sobbing in the corner like a toddler who lost her baby doll ... wondering when ... not how 'cause I know how ... but when ... *sighs*

Now what ...

Three years ago today, I was in excruciating labor ... waiting anxiously and admittedly not so patiently for my daughter to enter the world ... I never imagined it would be like this. That I would be raising her as a single parent ... I just never pictured it this way. Perhaps that's why I put up with her father as long as I did ... It pains me that it is the way it is but I know that it couldn't be any other way ... I couldn't be with that man, couldn't raise her in that ... Still, to this day, a year and a half after it ended, I'm still picking up the pieces ... I know I'm doing the best that I can but I'm starting to realize that in trying to be a good mom while pursuing my dreams and enduring the daily struggle that often is life, I've negated myself and my needs ... I'm lonely ... and it's starting to eat at me ...

I'm a picky person across the board but particularly with people I let into my circle ... but I've noticed that I've become more so since having my nena ... and since my relationship with her father failed ... I've been so cautious and hesitant to introduce another man into her life that I've forgotten that I also exist in the equation ... It's human to want companionship, creature comfort, but I often demand superhuman things from myself ... and more often than not, that keeps me going and doing amazing things ... but in this situation, I'm not sure what purpose it's served ... Perhaps I used it as an excuse to hide ... to "protect" my heart ... to build a wall ... And what most kills me is that now that I've found someone that I feel that I can and want to open up to, he isn't ready ... needs his own time to take care of himself and lick his own wounds ... and I'm left in the same space I was before, alone and wondering when it will happen to me ...

It's just all so much

That was the most appropriate blog title I could think of 'cause right now that's how I feel - it's just all so much ...

My nena turns three tomorrow and I celebrated with a party yesterday. It took a whole lot of planning, organizing and money ... and all her dad contributed was the cake ... but whatever, I still did it 'cause I'm her mom and that's what I do. She had a blast and me ... well, I was overcome by so many emotions ... which I'm sure were exacerbated by the fact that I'm in the midst of my "woman cycle" ...

So, a few weeks ago, I walked out of a shoe store and saw my baby daddy's girlfriend. I went up to her and introduced myself. I've been wanting to meet her simply because she is in my daughter's life. Her energy was surprisingly cool thus any misgivings I may have had were assuaged. I invited her to Vasialys's birthday party because, again, she is in my nena's life and no matter what, it all comes down to my nena and giving her some semblance of a functional relationship between her dad and I. I didn't expect the whirl of emotions that ensued when they arrived to my nena's party.

I was so busy that I didn't notice (until my sister brought it to my attention) that baby daddy's girl had a ring on her engagement finger. Wow! Let me be clear, I do not in any way, shape or form want that man back. He turned out to be a malicious, jealous, insensitive, controlling man that was completely at odds with my personality and ambitions ... hence we fell apart. Still, finding out that he not only has someone else in his life but is also planning on marrying her stirred emotions in me I am still grappling with.

When I told him that I was planning a party, he insisted that he didn't have any money and could not be a part of it. Even getting him to get the cake was a mission ... so to see a ring on her finger after finding out just a month or so ago that he bought a house with the chick sent me reeling. I mean, you couldn't help me organize OUR daughter's party, contributed in a miniscule way because you were allegedly short on cash, yet you put a ring on someone's finger! Where are your priorities?!

And while it's not jealousy, I guess I'm also at a loss as to why and how someone so not nice and often meanspiritied can possibly have found someone while I am still alone ... and the one I do want, right now isn't in the state of mind or heart to want me back ... So my feelings of being alone were amplified ... I wonder when it's going to happen to me. When am I going to find that someone to make me feel ready to share my life after all this time ... Why is it so easy for men to move on while we are far too often left dealing with the remnants of a damaged heart? With everything that I have going on, I barely have time for me but I still want someone to share that with ... to talk to ... to soothe me ... *sighs*

I started a tradition on Vasialys's first birthday - I created a hopes and dreams box where people write their name, relation to Vasia and a wish or dream they have for her. I read them a while ago and saw that baby daddy's girl entered her relation to Vasia as "step mom". Yes, that made me angry for a moment. I mean, you only see my daughter once every other week, are in her father's life but barely in hers and you think you merit that title. I am her mother. There is no place for any "step's" ... and perhaps that's me being possessive but I don't see anyone fitting those shoes. To me, a stepmom is someone who is much more engaged ... one who holds that title perhaps is more deeply involved in the raising of that child ... so in my eyes Vasia has no stepmom, she has one mother - me - and that will NEVER change ... And a part of me feels guilty for feeling this way because I've noticed that Vasia feels affection for this woman. She's mentioned her in the past ... actually, that's how I find out her name - because Vasia told me ... and having more people to love her is great thing ... Still, I'm torn about it. She's my heaven and I don't want to share that bond with anyone ... Yes, I know that may be selfish but it is what it is ...

And I thought I was wrapping up the second novel only for my Muse to then introduce a new character and thus thicken the plot. It's like now that I've given my Muse free rein, she wants to take it to another level, make my characters more complex ... and while that's a good thing, it's also an odd feeling that's taking me some time to come to terms with. I don't want to nor will I rush the novel but it's "weird" not knowing where it will go next, how it will develop and end ... I truely do have another person dwelling within my psyche for my Muse is a personality unto herself.

I also have an author to interview and an article to write on Latinas in the urban genre. In addition, I'm planning on getting my first novel translated into Spanish ... All this while having a full time job, searching for another, and, more importantly, raising my daughter ... it's just so much ... And while I wouldn't have it any other way, because my daughter and writing are the air I breathe, for the past few days I've been feeling overwhelmed ... my energy is off, patience is low and sanity is teetering ... Hence why I wrote this blog because writing has always been cathartic, a purge that helps me cope and piece myself together when I'm feel like I'm coming apart at the seams ...

On that wrenching emotion

I'm a love addict. Most who know me would say that I'm not ... that I can't possibly be ... that most love addicts are co-dependent, can't be alone, etc. That's not me. I'm fine being single ... I don't settle for less ... or at least haven't in a long time ... and at the moment I'm comfortable with my present status despite the reality that loneliness and the want to share my life with someone has been creeping into my psyche for some time ... Still, I know I'm a love addict. Why? Well, because despite all my heartbreaks and disappointments, despite being cheated on, rebuffed, feeling the misery of unrequited love ... despite the fact that I have yet to find my prince ... or, rather, he has yet to find me, I still believe in love ... in the magic and the euphoria that is love ... in the sweaty palms, palpitating heart, ladybugs dancing in your cheeks making you smile and giggle like a schoolgirl ... I still believe.

A dear friend of mine inspired this blog. She's fresh out of a relationship. The first real relationship she's ever really had. The first time she's ever been in love and given herself to it. This at the ripe age of 30. And she was crushed ... This man (that bastard!) stole her naivete, her innocence ... he stole the beautiful view she had of love ... and now she's jaded and questioning whether it was all worth it. I contend that it is but also understand why she's such a cynic at the moment. She's going through the motions of self-healing. She has to doubt and wonder and question and be angry and sad and frustrated. It's part of the process ... I just hope that she comes out of it with a renewed view on love. Perhaps it was that she had an unrealistic view of love. Perhaps she expected too much or too little. He created this world for her, a world where he would do anything and everything to win her affections. She held back for some time and when he'd finally convinced her, when he'd won her over and made her fall in love, he ripped it all away ... How brutal! And to experience this now after all these years of waiting ... I can't fathom what that feels like ...

What's most disturbing is that this woman is so full of love ... she's one of the few people in my sorority that I've kept in contact with all these years ... she's just so genuine and true and caring ... so to have someone violate her so vilely and carelessly is infuriating. I want to kick his ass! ... what I most fear, however, is that she'll lose that optimism that she's always had ... that made me see the brighter side of things when I was down ... that cheered me up and made me hopeful ... She was one of those few people who always saw the sunny side of things ... and it would really be a injury to the world for her to lose that because they are so few people on this earth like that ...

So when she calls me and we discuss love and she reveals how she just doesn't feel it's worth it ... and says, "why bother if it's going to end?" ... I cringe ... I wince because part of me can relate and empathize. I've been there. I've been so deeply wounded that I shunned love and all it's complexities. And I ultimately ended up cheating myself ...

Love is what separates us from the savages. We as humans need love, crave it, seek it. We want companionship and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that ... so yes, it is worth it. It's worth the risk and the possibility of getting hurt ... Why? Because of the heavenly feeling of being in love and feeling loved. You feel unstoppable, unbreakable ... like nothing can touch you or taint you or stop you ... you feel superhuman ... you feel like shouting it from the highest mountaintop. There's nothing like that feeling ... and even if it is fleeting, goddamn it's worth the risk! Just to feel the magic ... it's worth it ... every second ... every minute ... every smile and every tear ... it's so damn worth it!

Mama Drama Vent

It seems that no matter what I do, my mom will always take issue with it. I love my mother as everyone loves their mom but our relationship is at best antagonistic. We can't spend much time together before she does or says something that just ticks me off. Her tongue cuts like a knife ... it always has ... and is the primary reason I left her home at thirteen.

I can't say that I don't have tender memories of my mom. I remember once being very sick with a high fever and respiratory problems. My mom stayed up all night caring for me. She would wake me periodically to give me medicine and put a cold cloth on my forehead ... I remember our family trips to Rockaway Beach. Mom would be up before the sun cooking, basting the meat with sofrito and adobo ... preparing us for the day's ventures.

But the harsh memories of her temper and loose hand are more powerful and lucid. She would say the most malicious things to me ... words like that stay with you and continue to haunt you into adulthood ... "tu dejas la inteligencia en la escuela" (you leave your brains at school), "retardada" (retard) ... "no sirves para nada" (you're good for nothing) ... I clearly recall one day wanting to hold her hand to cross the street. I must have been around eight. She pushed my hand away angrily and through sneered lips asked me why I had to always be on top of her ... I was just a little girl yearning for her love and I was constantly rebuffed ... perhaps that wasn't her intention but that's certainly how I felt ...

She admits now to being hard on me ... but says that it paid off because it's the reason that I've made something of myself ... If only she understood that her cruel treatment was the main reason that I left home. I knew early on that I needed to escape my mother's wrath and the ghetto streets of Bushwick, Brooklyn in order to accomplish my goals. My mother was never going to let me fly so I had to jump out of the nest ... so I applied to boarding school and was accepted with a full scholarship ... that is the decision that changed my world ...

I hoped that when I returned for vacations that my mom would be a different person with me. Afterall, she hadn't seen me in months and surely my excellent grades would stir some sort of affection for me. The first few days were usually good. Mom would be warm and loving, making me my favorite meals like sopa de frijoles (bean soup) and arroz con leche (rice pudding). But those moments were shortlived ... soon she would revert to her scathing comments and iron fist ways ...

I tried for so long to please my mom but nothing I did would measure up. She refused to go to my college graduation because she loathed my boyfriend and knew he would be there. She only went resentfully after my grandmother called and pleaded with her ... And when I decided not to go to law school, she ripped me a new one ... and continued to berate me about it for years after.

I never imagined she'd be supportive with my writing. When I first quit corporate America, she deemed me an irresponsible parent, telling me that this was no longer my life, that it was now my daughter's and motherhood was sacrifice ... even the surrender of one's dreams ... What she didn't comprehend is that the reason I finally made the decision to follow my bliss was and still is my daughter. I want her to look to me as her inspiration ... to realize through me that there is nothing she can't do ... that dreams aren't as farfetched and impossible to accomplish if one sets her mind to it ... But I can't expect my mom to understand that nor can I live my life trying to please her ... I realized that long ago but this new endeavor only makes me more aware of it ...

I didn't invite her to my first booksigning. She took offense and I was honestly shocked. She never demonstrated support for what I was doing before so why should she now? I simply do not understand the woman.

I went to spend a few days with her this past weekend because she had just returned from a month long vacation in Puerto Rico. All was well the first day but by the second, she was already knifing me with her words. I accidentally spilled something and she jumped on me about it. I'm a klutz, a walking hazard, always have been ... there's no need to get nasty with me about it ...

I had made plans with her to take her and my brother to see the new Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony movie, "El Cantante" ... I forgot. I've been up so late each night writing ... and the baby's dad didn't pick her up today as planned ... so I simply forgot. She called to tell me off. I asked her why didn't she call to remind me, her response was that she shouldn't have to do that. But you can call me to flip on me for a mistake? So now, in her eyes, my word means nothing ... Jeez! ... The problem is that this is a constant with her ... It's like she waits for me to err so she can jump on my back about it ... It's why I've always been and remain distant from her ... Why bother going to see her or trying to establish a real mother-daughter relationship if all she ever does is make me feel bad about myself, my mothering skills, career choices, etc.

She criticizes me about the way I am raising my daughter, claiming that I'm too easy on her ... that I have to be firmer ... that I let her walk all over me. Dear God, she's only two and I refuse to be hard on her and quick with the hand the way my mom was with me.

I hate it that she can still piss me off and make me cry ... I hate it that she has such power over me with her sharp tongue ... I hate it that she sees nothing wrong with the way she treats me ... I hate it that she makes me feel like that little girl who only wanted to be loved by her mom ... Still, I try because she's my mom and I love her ... How masochistic is that?

My heart and head are still reeling

The internet is an AMAZING thing ... for so many reasons ... but right now, one reason in particular is in the forefront of my mind. The other day on myspace I found my first love. After years of silence, we exchanged messages last night and, my God, I'm still recovering.

Let me make this clear from jump - I am in no way, shape or form still in love with this guy ... Ruben is his name ... I realized last night that no matter how many years lapse, one's first love holds a special place in the chest cavity that never really goes away ...

I met him when I was like ten years old or something absurd like that. To be honest, I don't remember meeting him. What I do recall is that we were friends and I had a crush on him. We lived on the same block, Palmetto Street in the Bushwick area of Brooklyn ... and from a young age, he was a little player. I still see it in my mind's eye - him flirting and going out with all the girls in the two or three block vicinity ... at that age, "going out" with someone meant something completely different. It was more a title than anything tangible ... He'd ask, "Will you be my girl?" and she would in between giggles respond, "Yes" ... and then run off to tell her group of girlfriends who would be waiting on the sidelines anxiously awaiting the gossip ... Ruben, being the cutie that he was, had all the girls pining for him ... He'd grab one during an opportune moment, pull her into the hallway and plant a wet kiss on her lips ... and she, flustered and embarassed, would return the kiss, unsure of how to do it but just excited that he, Ruben, had chosen her ... And then finally he chose me and I was in heaven ...

It happened when I was 12. My mom was in Honduras for a few weeks and had left us with a cousin who was too wrapped with her new boyfriend, a family friend, to worry about what my sister and I were doing. So during that time, I was in the hallway of 365 Palmetto Street, learning the art of making out. LOL! Jeez, my memories of those moments are so vivid. I still remember the smell of the sofrito and bacalao in the air as his mother and the other residents of the building cooked their nightly meals ... And there I was, a pubescent girl of 12, falling in love with the first boy to break my heart ... *sighs* ... And he did that more than once ...

When I was thirteen, I went away to boarding school. Ruben and I were realistic; we both understood that long distance relationships at this age, or any age for that matter, weren't feasible. So we decided that we could see other people but when I got back to NY for vacations, he was mine and I was his. Gosh, I was the target of the ire of many a female for that reason. I remember reading letters (that he supplied) from girls who expressed their angst at being left once I was in town. For no matter what he did, when I was NY, even if it was for two or three days, his attentions and affections were mine. I'd have to sneak behind my mom's back to do it but I always managed to somehow spend some time with my love.

I never outgrew Ruben ... I just couldn't deal with his missteps anymore. The final straw was when he messed with a "friend" of mine while I was away. There were certain unwritten rules in our arrangement and one of them included that he could not date/kiss/fool around with, etc. any one of my friends ... and when he did that, I was crushed. In hindsight, I realize that that situation, the pain that it caused me, was the first step in my distancing myself from him and eventually moving on.

And all these years later, after all my heartbreaks and disappointments with love, hearing from him brought back such lucid memories ... My heart pattered in my chest and my palms began to sweat ... Sade said it best: "It's never as good as the first time ..." And Sheryl Crow followed with: "The first cut is the deepest ..."

For a long time, I denied the importance of that relationship. I'm not sure why but I do know that at the time I was going through a difficult period ... but now I realize that I cannot deny what that relationship meant to me. Perhaps it wasn't love in the adult sense, but it was my introduction to the magic. I loved him on an intense level that has left footprints ...

He's married now ... unhappily so ... and has a beautiful little girl that is his existence ... What I can't understand is why he married her if she's not his "Juliet"? I know that's why I haven't been married. I haven't found the man to send me into such fits of rapture that I would marry him. And I refuse to settle. I won't marry until I feel the guitar strings in my heart engaged in a symphony of Bethovian magnitude ...

So we have plans to get up some time soon for dinner and drinks. I'm curious to see how he looks, how I'll feel, how the energy will be ... I still remember his dark, intense eyes that bore right through me. Will it still feel that way?

It's true what they say - you never forget the first ... And even now, when I'm dealing with and falling for someone new, last night, after our exchange, I didn't think about this new beau ... not once ... Wow!

Popping the cherry

I'm not exactly a newbie to blogging but I am a neophyte to this site. A longtime friend who enjoys my reflections on life, womanhood, friendship, etc. told me I should consider sharing my views on another level ... hence why I'm here. So what's my agenda? I'm not sure I have one. I'm just a woman who is enamored with the written word. I have strong opinions and a stronger want to express myself. Most of the time I know what I'm doing and some of the time I don't know why I do them. What I do know is that I'm a work in progress. I'm making a life for myself and my daughter by following my bliss - writing.

So, when did I start writing. Honestly, I can't remember. I don't remember not writing. My mother told me an interesting story some time ago. She received a call from the daycare center when I was preschool age. My teacher complained that I was often distracted during storytime and she couldn't get me to pay attention. When my mother confronted me about the issue, I told her that I already knew the story and was tired of hearing it. She asked me what the story was and I went on to create an elaborate tale. If that isn't indicative of being a writer from childhood, if not birth, I don't know what is.

I have journals from way back when I was ten years old. Throughout my joys and heartbreaks, when I was lost and unable to find my place in the world, I found strength and direction in my writing. It took me some time, however, to realize my calling.

As a graduate of a prestigious boarding school and an ivy league university, the artist’s way was not encouraged. I was made to believe that after such an elite education, one goes into business, law, medicine, but never the arts. There’s simply little stability in that world. So I roamed corporate America like a lost soul in purgatory, searching for my niche, my place in the rigid establishment … but one did not exist for me, or perhaps it was that I refused to mold myself to fit the conventions. And throughout I sought refuge even redemption in my writing. I was published here and there, and even had a monthly article in a magazine for a while. It was then that I began to appreciate and embrace the gift which I have been endowed, finally realizing how natural it has always come to me and the reality that this – writing – is what I am meant to do.

But I’d grown complacent. I had a stable job, health insurance, an apartment, I could pay my bills … and isn’t that what people want? Why my parents immigrated to this country? Is that not the American dream? No, not for people like me, who want to, need to pursue their dreams … that are lucky enough to know their calling. One of my favorite writers Anais Nin said it best, “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

So, while I worked, I continued to write, to try to make sense of my misery through the written word. And that’s where I found solace and truth, freedom from the shackles that bound and weighed me down. I found that I was more myself on paper than anywhere else – unafraid and uninhibited. And slowly but surely I began to construct my vision without even being fully aware of it. And that’s why when I had my daughter, I had the courage to say “Ya basta!” “Enough!” I quit corporate America and threw myself into motherhood and writing. And I wrote my first book in two weeks time. If I needed further proof that writing was my intended path, that killed all uncertainty.

Yes, my path has been dubious. Perhaps by now I should be at book six, but I wouldn’t change a thing. If I had gone another course, I don’t know if I would have met the driven partners I work with who opted to shun the establishment and create our own publishing company, and more recently start a grassroots magazine of which I am executive editor.

Everyone’s path is different. For some it is straight, for others like me it twists and turns, dives and crests again. But, wow, I have so many stories in the cache. The first draft of my second novel will be complete in a matter of weeks, and the first of a pentagonía of memoirs will follow soon thereafter. I am giving voice to women in my generation, the daughters of immigrants who fled their motherlands to seek their fortune on the gold paved streets of the US of A. The urban intellect who has a foot in two seemingly opposite worlds but doesn’t fully belong to either. Latinos and other people color whose odds are against them but refuse to permit that to hinder them. I have a vision and through a lot of hard work and sacrifice, and a little bit of luck, with faith in my voice, I am going to see that vision through. As a special person told me recently “if your mind can conceive it and your heart can believe it, then you can achieve it!”