I don't know what prompted this entry ... I was just thinking about who I am and so ...
- I can be very silly.
- I love, love, love to dance.
- I enjoy a night out on the town.
- I'm a Grey Goose and Cranberry with a slice of lime type of chica.
- I live for boots!
- I'm in love with love.
- I have ridiculously high standards ...
- I've met beautiful men in my life but few have gotten farther than a conversation - Note: "Holler", "What up ma?", "occupated" (inside joke) are not in my vocabulary and will cause me to walk abruptly away from you.
- I am terribly protective of my daughter.
- I am independent to a fault.
- I need financial management.
- I'm a horrible liar.
- I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
- I love having long hair but am over having the same look since I was ten.
- I'm a sucker for a friend.
- If I don't like you, chances are I never will.
- I can be soooo shady.
- I hold grudges.
- Did I say I was in love with love?
- I think about love all the time and wonder when I'll find it ... or when it will find me.
- I'm misunderstood.
- People claim to know me but very few do.
- If my "self-talk" were on an open forum, I think I'd be institutionalized. LOL!
- I write stories in my head all the time.
- I'm a lot less confident than I let on.
- My fondest memories from childhood include my second mom ... and my first love Ruben.
- My fondest memories in life include my nena (she is my everything) ...
- If I could go back to any time in history, I'd go back to college ... Good times.
- I can't count how many times I've been out dancing.
- And I can't count how many times I've prayed to the porcelain gods ... LOL!
- I love to cook but don't find much time for it these days.
- I am optimistic to a fault ... some may even say I'm not realistic ... to those I give the middle finger.
- Before having my nena, I was one of those crazy people that went to the gym at 5am. My body was SICK! But even then I wasn't terribly confident.
- I don't have many friends.
- I feel lonely a lot of the time.
- I think being a single parent is lonelier than being single ...
- I still haven't given up on love and don't think I ever will.
- I get cabin fever easily ... I just need to be out and about doing something.
- I may have regrown a hymen ... Bwahahahahahahahaha ...
- I am extremely sexual and sensual ... I just hold it down.
- Favorite sport: rollerblading and handball
- Favorite artists: Frida Kahlo, Picasso, Dali, Monet
- Favorite singer of all time: Sade and Mary J. Blige
- Favorite song at the moment: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
- Favorite movie: Forrest Gump ("And then in the desert, when the sun comes up... I couldn't tell where heavens stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful.")
- When I was a kid, I'd get up early on Saturday mornings to watch "Gummy Bears" ...
- Boarding school was very hard for me ... I lived in a perpetual state of depression ...
- I used to try very hard to fit in ... Now I don't give a fuck ... either love me or leave me alone.
- I am a talker ...
- I'm an extrovert but have a strong loner gene.
- I can't count how many books I've read ... I feel off when I'm not reading something.
- I can be messy ... but can also be neurotically clean ... weird!
- I can't stand complacency.
- If you're not about something, chances are you'll never be part of my inner circle.
- I don't make friends easily.
- I'm pretty open with who I am ... I don't live with shame ... No regrets ... you live and you learn.
- The last time I felt safe was in his arms ... *sighs*
- I'm on a mission to complete myself because finding completion in another is a farce.
- While it's human to want companionship, for a long time I thought needing someone was a sign of weakness.
- I'm still trying to understand the world and people.
- Sometimes I wish I could read people's minds but most of the time I know that could be dangerous.
- I can be a bitch but I can't be malicious.
- I am ever so sensitive.
- I want world peace ... I figured I'd end it with a beauty pageant answer ... LOL! (I saw Ms. Congeniality the other day)
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I feel her pain
I just had one of my eleventh grade students open up to me ... She's renting a room and has been on her own, after being repeatedly thrown out by her mother, for two years now. Her strenghth and pain is palpable.
It began two weeks ago when I was teaching students the skill of writing a resume and informing them that part of my class entails a requirement of fulfilling fifteen hours of community service. She raised her hand and asked, "What if you have a job?" To which I responded, "Well, you'll have to figure out how to find the time to meet the requirement." "What if you have to work because you have to take care of yourself 'cause you have no one to do that?" A knot flew to my throat. I had to remain composed because I was in front of the class but I saw the anxiety written on her face ... She shook her head and rolled her eyes. She didn't feel that I understood ... but I so do. "I know what you're going through ma. I've been on my own since I was thirteen ... I'll work with you. Let's talk later." We didn't get to really talk until today ...
I invited her to a college trip we're having next week. She asked me if she could just sign the consent form. I pulled her aside and asked, "You're on your own." That's when she started her story ... Her mother was and remains very abusive. She would take her hard earned money and give it to her drug addict boyfriend. The mom was hardly ever there so this young child, I'll call her Lane, had to care for her two little sisters. Then her mother would get upset when Lane would discipline the girls or instruct them to help around the house. She kicked her house on many occasions. Lane gave me a vivid picture of how she slept in the hallway in a t-shirt and slippers when it was sub-zero weather outside. She finally left, for her own sanity and safety. Her boyfriend's father offered to help. They gave her a room but after witnessing marital disputes, she realized that she couldn't be there either so she rented a room ... Lane cried when she told me about how she has no one ... When she received an excellent report card last year, she'd show the women at her job ... She needed someone to be proud of her ... She works everyday after school until midnight, then goes home to do her homework while struggling to keep her eyes open ... She sobbed when she told me stories she's heard from people about going home to take a nap, then working on their homework with their parents ... "I don't have that and it's hard." ... I told her that she should be proud of herself that despite her circumstances, she's still in school ... I am going to help her however I can ... I've already called the social worker and am waiting for her to call me back to see what programs and assistance we can provide ...
I just feel so heavy ... After hearing this, I swear some women should have their uteruses removed ... I mean, why would you bring a child into the world to suffer so much ... I would NEVER turn my back on my daughter. Vasialys has me for as long as I walk this earth ... I can't imagine neglecting her in such a vile manner ... to toss her to the sharks ... Never that ... My problems seem so miniscule right now ... *sighs* ...
It began two weeks ago when I was teaching students the skill of writing a resume and informing them that part of my class entails a requirement of fulfilling fifteen hours of community service. She raised her hand and asked, "What if you have a job?" To which I responded, "Well, you'll have to figure out how to find the time to meet the requirement." "What if you have to work because you have to take care of yourself 'cause you have no one to do that?" A knot flew to my throat. I had to remain composed because I was in front of the class but I saw the anxiety written on her face ... She shook her head and rolled her eyes. She didn't feel that I understood ... but I so do. "I know what you're going through ma. I've been on my own since I was thirteen ... I'll work with you. Let's talk later." We didn't get to really talk until today ...
I invited her to a college trip we're having next week. She asked me if she could just sign the consent form. I pulled her aside and asked, "You're on your own." That's when she started her story ... Her mother was and remains very abusive. She would take her hard earned money and give it to her drug addict boyfriend. The mom was hardly ever there so this young child, I'll call her Lane, had to care for her two little sisters. Then her mother would get upset when Lane would discipline the girls or instruct them to help around the house. She kicked her house on many occasions. Lane gave me a vivid picture of how she slept in the hallway in a t-shirt and slippers when it was sub-zero weather outside. She finally left, for her own sanity and safety. Her boyfriend's father offered to help. They gave her a room but after witnessing marital disputes, she realized that she couldn't be there either so she rented a room ... Lane cried when she told me about how she has no one ... When she received an excellent report card last year, she'd show the women at her job ... She needed someone to be proud of her ... She works everyday after school until midnight, then goes home to do her homework while struggling to keep her eyes open ... She sobbed when she told me stories she's heard from people about going home to take a nap, then working on their homework with their parents ... "I don't have that and it's hard." ... I told her that she should be proud of herself that despite her circumstances, she's still in school ... I am going to help her however I can ... I've already called the social worker and am waiting for her to call me back to see what programs and assistance we can provide ...
I just feel so heavy ... After hearing this, I swear some women should have their uteruses removed ... I mean, why would you bring a child into the world to suffer so much ... I would NEVER turn my back on my daughter. Vasialys has me for as long as I walk this earth ... I can't imagine neglecting her in such a vile manner ... to toss her to the sharks ... Never that ... My problems seem so miniscule right now ... *sighs* ...
Monday, September 24, 2007
Breaking it down and rebuilding
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Your Week Ahead Forecast: What did you have for breakfast on this day last year? Juice? Cereal? Toast? Would you like it again? By this, I don't mean, would you like to eat something very similar. I mean would you like cereal from the same packet? Milk from the same carton? Bread from the same loaf? Repetition is a fine thing. Stagnation, though, is not. Something in your life has recently been crying out for renewal and rediscovery. Once this process has fully taken place, everything may well end up almost exactly as it was. But, first, it has been essential to take it apart and rebuild it. That unnerving process of deconstruction and reconstruction is nearly over.
While I don't live my life according to the horoscopes, I find that this astrologer (www.cainer.com) is scarily on point sometimes. I've been going through a process of reconstruction ... I'm trying to break down the many walls I've built ... striving to accomplish the many goals I've set ... all while trying not to drive my crazy during my daily existence ... This weekend proved to me that I've come a long way ... and that I also have a little bit to go. This "hiatus" has been quite fruitful. I've accomplished quite a bit while abstaining ... but at the same time, I've negated myself and my human need for companionship ... And perhaps that's why when I finally found myself willing and able to open myself to a possibility, I acted out when that possibility wasn't ready for it ... And now I see my own tendencies to latch on to someone and give my all when not receiving much in return ... and that's just not cool. I deserve someone who will be at least equally as thoughtful and into it ... so I'm backing off and going into myself ... "to be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity" ... God I love that song ... It rings soooo true to what I'm going through right now ...
Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
La Da Da Da Da Da
See what I'm going through really has nothing to do with him ... It's more about realizations and revelations of self that were uncovered through my exchanges with him ... the feelings I have ... the behaviors I've become aware of ... So I need to take care of V. Do I think our story is over? No ... but I have to do me for now ... and if we come together again and the timing is right, then let's see what happens ... I came across a poem on a friend's page and was floored by how appropriate it is ... I thought of him immediately ... how the timing has always been off ... and no matter how we feel, how much I long to see what it is we share and why ... the timing simply isn't right ...
In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people.
Ones with whom you shared something special,
ones who will always mean something.
There's the one you first kissed,
the one you first loved,
the one you lost your virginity to,
the one you put on a pedestal,
the one you're with
...and the one that got away.
Who is the one that got away?
I guess it's that person with who everything was great,
everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong.
There was no fault in the person,
there was no flaw in the chemistry,
but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.
I believe in the fact that ending up with someone,
finding a longtime partner that is,
does not lie merely in the other person.
I can actually argue that an equal part,
or maybe even the greater part,
has to do with the matter of timing.
It has to do with you being ready to settle down
and commit to someone in a way that goes
beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.
How often have you gone through it without even realizing it?
When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner,
it doesn't matter who you're with,
it just doesn't work.
Small problems become big;
inconsequentials become dealbreakers
simply because you're not ready and it shows.
It's not that you and the person you're with are no good;
it's just that it's not yet right,
and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.
Then one day you're ready. You really are.
And when this happens you'll be
ready to settle down with someone.
He or she may not be the most perfect,
they might not be the brightest star of
romance to ever have burned in your life,
but it'll work because you're ready.
It'll work because it's the right time
and you'll make it work.
And it'll make sense,
...it really will.
So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things,
and you find yourself to be a different person.
Things are different,
your approach is different,
you finally understand who you are
and what you want,
and you've become ready because the time has
truly arrived. And mind you,
there's no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you're single
but you could be in a long-term relationship,
you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter.
All you know is that you've changed,
and for some reason,
the one that got away,
is the first person you think about.
You'll think about them
because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?"
You'll wonder, "What if we were together now,
with me as I am and not as I was?"
That's what the one that got away is.
The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.
If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact
that the one that got away, GOT AWAY.
Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is,
this can happen to the best of us.
But hopefully you're mature enough to realize
that you're already with the one you're with
and this is just another test of your commitment,
one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it.
Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright.
It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.
Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married.
In which case it's the same thing.
You just have to accept and know that your
memories of that person will probably bring a
nice little SMILE to your lips in the future
when you're old and gray and reminiscing.
But if neither of that is the case, then it's different.
What do you do if it's not yet too late?
Simple...find him, find her.
Because the very existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder,
what if you got that one?
Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie,
it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere.
You'd be surprised, you just might be
"the one that got away" as well for the person who
is your "the one that got away."
You might drop in from out of nowhere
and it won't make a difference.
If the timing is finally right,
it'll all just fall into place somehow
and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great
feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone....
"Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."
-CHRISTIAN RYAN
Damn! So on point ... I would hate to live with that feeling that the one I wanted "got away" ... But life is like a box of chocolates, isn't it? *sighs* ... But I can't give anyone anything real and right until I'm real and right with myself ... so I'm deconstructing and reconstructing and hoping ... no, better yet, I'm sure that I'll be ripe and ready when it comes ... when the energy is so powerful that hearts call to one another ... and thus is the magic that makes this world go round ... that makes it all make sense ... this crazy, beautiful world ... Love baby, I'm talking about love.
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Your Week Ahead Forecast: What did you have for breakfast on this day last year? Juice? Cereal? Toast? Would you like it again? By this, I don't mean, would you like to eat something very similar. I mean would you like cereal from the same packet? Milk from the same carton? Bread from the same loaf? Repetition is a fine thing. Stagnation, though, is not. Something in your life has recently been crying out for renewal and rediscovery. Once this process has fully taken place, everything may well end up almost exactly as it was. But, first, it has been essential to take it apart and rebuild it. That unnerving process of deconstruction and reconstruction is nearly over.
While I don't live my life according to the horoscopes, I find that this astrologer (www.cainer.com) is scarily on point sometimes. I've been going through a process of reconstruction ... I'm trying to break down the many walls I've built ... striving to accomplish the many goals I've set ... all while trying not to drive my crazy during my daily existence ... This weekend proved to me that I've come a long way ... and that I also have a little bit to go. This "hiatus" has been quite fruitful. I've accomplished quite a bit while abstaining ... but at the same time, I've negated myself and my human need for companionship ... And perhaps that's why when I finally found myself willing and able to open myself to a possibility, I acted out when that possibility wasn't ready for it ... And now I see my own tendencies to latch on to someone and give my all when not receiving much in return ... and that's just not cool. I deserve someone who will be at least equally as thoughtful and into it ... so I'm backing off and going into myself ... "to be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity" ... God I love that song ... It rings soooo true to what I'm going through right now ...
Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie
Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
La Da Da Da Da Da
See what I'm going through really has nothing to do with him ... It's more about realizations and revelations of self that were uncovered through my exchanges with him ... the feelings I have ... the behaviors I've become aware of ... So I need to take care of V. Do I think our story is over? No ... but I have to do me for now ... and if we come together again and the timing is right, then let's see what happens ... I came across a poem on a friend's page and was floored by how appropriate it is ... I thought of him immediately ... how the timing has always been off ... and no matter how we feel, how much I long to see what it is we share and why ... the timing simply isn't right ...
In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people.
Ones with whom you shared something special,
ones who will always mean something.
There's the one you first kissed,
the one you first loved,
the one you lost your virginity to,
the one you put on a pedestal,
the one you're with
...and the one that got away.
Who is the one that got away?
I guess it's that person with who everything was great,
everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong.
There was no fault in the person,
there was no flaw in the chemistry,
but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.
I believe in the fact that ending up with someone,
finding a longtime partner that is,
does not lie merely in the other person.
I can actually argue that an equal part,
or maybe even the greater part,
has to do with the matter of timing.
It has to do with you being ready to settle down
and commit to someone in a way that goes
beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.
How often have you gone through it without even realizing it?
When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner,
it doesn't matter who you're with,
it just doesn't work.
Small problems become big;
inconsequentials become dealbreakers
simply because you're not ready and it shows.
It's not that you and the person you're with are no good;
it's just that it's not yet right,
and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.
Then one day you're ready. You really are.
And when this happens you'll be
ready to settle down with someone.
He or she may not be the most perfect,
they might not be the brightest star of
romance to ever have burned in your life,
but it'll work because you're ready.
It'll work because it's the right time
and you'll make it work.
And it'll make sense,
...it really will.
So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things,
and you find yourself to be a different person.
Things are different,
your approach is different,
you finally understand who you are
and what you want,
and you've become ready because the time has
truly arrived. And mind you,
there's no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you're single
but you could be in a long-term relationship,
you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter.
All you know is that you've changed,
and for some reason,
the one that got away,
is the first person you think about.
You'll think about them
because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?"
You'll wonder, "What if we were together now,
with me as I am and not as I was?"
That's what the one that got away is.
The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.
If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact
that the one that got away, GOT AWAY.
Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is,
this can happen to the best of us.
But hopefully you're mature enough to realize
that you're already with the one you're with
and this is just another test of your commitment,
one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it.
Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright.
It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.
Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married.
In which case it's the same thing.
You just have to accept and know that your
memories of that person will probably bring a
nice little SMILE to your lips in the future
when you're old and gray and reminiscing.
But if neither of that is the case, then it's different.
What do you do if it's not yet too late?
Simple...find him, find her.
Because the very existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder,
what if you got that one?
Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie,
it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere.
You'd be surprised, you just might be
"the one that got away" as well for the person who
is your "the one that got away."
You might drop in from out of nowhere
and it won't make a difference.
If the timing is finally right,
it'll all just fall into place somehow
and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great
feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone....
"Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."
-CHRISTIAN RYAN
Damn! So on point ... I would hate to live with that feeling that the one I wanted "got away" ... But life is like a box of chocolates, isn't it? *sighs* ... But I can't give anyone anything real and right until I'm real and right with myself ... so I'm deconstructing and reconstructing and hoping ... no, better yet, I'm sure that I'll be ripe and ready when it comes ... when the energy is so powerful that hearts call to one another ... and thus is the magic that makes this world go round ... that makes it all make sense ... this crazy, beautiful world ... Love baby, I'm talking about love.
Feeling the effects
I'm drained today. I spent the majority of the day yesterday doing street promotions for my book. I'd heard from one of the book vendors that I have a large fan base in the Marble Hill area of the Bronx where he posts his table twice a week. I decided to hit the streets on Sunday to see if I could push some books, and meet and greet the fans. I didn't expect what I encountered.
Two young women cried when they met me. They said they were so moved by my story that they were overcome with emotion upon meeting me. I was humbled and even somewhat embarrassed. I mean, while it feels great to receive such praise, to hear that my words are so powerful and that I've moved people to tears, it's also strange to hear it. I just don't consider myself completely worthy of such intense admiration. Yes, I wrote a book, but it's not something others can't do ... or perhaps it's that in trying to remain grounded, I've lost sight of this great accomplishment of which I should be more proud ...
I honestly felt like a celebrity and it was a bit awkward. Several people walked up to me and shook my hand, telling me that they read and loved my book ... that the story line was strong ... that they couldn't put it down ... And asked when I am planning on releasing another ... Wow!
I was so energized last night I had trouble sleeping ... I was mulling over my latest book ... thinking of where the story is going to go next ... knowing that people are waiting anxiously for my next installment ... So now I'm tired and drained ... It's so not going to be a productive day at work ... My brain is on slow mode ... I need some rest and a large dose of Vasia love ... She was with her dad all weekend so I'm looking forward to holding her and talking to her and hearing her myriad stories about her weekend ...
'Til next time ...
Two young women cried when they met me. They said they were so moved by my story that they were overcome with emotion upon meeting me. I was humbled and even somewhat embarrassed. I mean, while it feels great to receive such praise, to hear that my words are so powerful and that I've moved people to tears, it's also strange to hear it. I just don't consider myself completely worthy of such intense admiration. Yes, I wrote a book, but it's not something others can't do ... or perhaps it's that in trying to remain grounded, I've lost sight of this great accomplishment of which I should be more proud ...
I honestly felt like a celebrity and it was a bit awkward. Several people walked up to me and shook my hand, telling me that they read and loved my book ... that the story line was strong ... that they couldn't put it down ... And asked when I am planning on releasing another ... Wow!
I was so energized last night I had trouble sleeping ... I was mulling over my latest book ... thinking of where the story is going to go next ... knowing that people are waiting anxiously for my next installment ... So now I'm tired and drained ... It's so not going to be a productive day at work ... My brain is on slow mode ... I need some rest and a large dose of Vasia love ... She was with her dad all weekend so I'm looking forward to holding her and talking to her and hearing her myriad stories about her weekend ...
'Til next time ...
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ain't it sweet?
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Your Weekend: Some people say, 'There are more questions than answers'. It is actually the other way around. We are surrounded by answers - but, because we do not know the questions that relate to these, we fail to appreciate their importance. We focus only on those few questions to which the answers are elusive and thus we form a false picture of a world, which is full of unsolvable mysteries. An answer has been staring you in the face for ages. This weekend, you recognise the question that goes with it.
I posted my scope because when I read it I knew instantly that I was in for an interesting weekend ... and that it has DEFINITELY been.
So last night I went to a "friend's" birthday party. His thirtieth. Him being the one I've been pining for for some time ... I went with no expectations. Hopes? Yes. But no expectations nonetheless. I've come to understand that he's just not where I am and that's really okay ... now more than ever. After a great night of dancing and talking and vibing ... sidelong glances and working the crew, I came upon him kissing another. What most amazes me is that I wasn't really phased. It was 4am, the bar crowd had dwindled and there he was in a corner, lip locked with a female ... and it was okay then ... and I'm okay now. I've been walking around my now spotless apartment (after a mission of several days of backbreaking work that included moving couches and beds and futons and throwing out masses of junk) on a cloud, fascinated by how calmly I've taken all this. I mean, I can't deny that I dig the guy ... I've been digging him for twelve years ... and some time ago, his inability to open himself to me frustrated me to no end but now ... now I'm good with it all. Perhaps it's that I'm finally opening myself up to more possibilities. Perhaps it's that I finally feel ready to date and get out there. No, I'm not interested in a booty call or frivolous anything for that matter ... but I'm ready to give someone a chance ... to build ... and my mind and heart isn't dead set just on him as it was just weeks ago ... I don't know how I got here ... I think it's that I'm becoming more accepting of life and how out of my control it is on so many levels ... and with that, I've grown more accepting of myself and my coping abilities ... and that extends to others and my ability to empathize ... My growth in the past few months has been extensive ... I'm still finding myself ... I'm still evolving ... and I'm finally in a good place with me ... and that's such a great place to be ... ain't that sweet?
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Your Weekend: Some people say, 'There are more questions than answers'. It is actually the other way around. We are surrounded by answers - but, because we do not know the questions that relate to these, we fail to appreciate their importance. We focus only on those few questions to which the answers are elusive and thus we form a false picture of a world, which is full of unsolvable mysteries. An answer has been staring you in the face for ages. This weekend, you recognise the question that goes with it.
I posted my scope because when I read it I knew instantly that I was in for an interesting weekend ... and that it has DEFINITELY been.
So last night I went to a "friend's" birthday party. His thirtieth. Him being the one I've been pining for for some time ... I went with no expectations. Hopes? Yes. But no expectations nonetheless. I've come to understand that he's just not where I am and that's really okay ... now more than ever. After a great night of dancing and talking and vibing ... sidelong glances and working the crew, I came upon him kissing another. What most amazes me is that I wasn't really phased. It was 4am, the bar crowd had dwindled and there he was in a corner, lip locked with a female ... and it was okay then ... and I'm okay now. I've been walking around my now spotless apartment (after a mission of several days of backbreaking work that included moving couches and beds and futons and throwing out masses of junk) on a cloud, fascinated by how calmly I've taken all this. I mean, I can't deny that I dig the guy ... I've been digging him for twelve years ... and some time ago, his inability to open himself to me frustrated me to no end but now ... now I'm good with it all. Perhaps it's that I'm finally opening myself up to more possibilities. Perhaps it's that I finally feel ready to date and get out there. No, I'm not interested in a booty call or frivolous anything for that matter ... but I'm ready to give someone a chance ... to build ... and my mind and heart isn't dead set just on him as it was just weeks ago ... I don't know how I got here ... I think it's that I'm becoming more accepting of life and how out of my control it is on so many levels ... and with that, I've grown more accepting of myself and my coping abilities ... and that extends to others and my ability to empathize ... My growth in the past few months has been extensive ... I'm still finding myself ... I'm still evolving ... and I'm finally in a good place with me ... and that's such a great place to be ... ain't that sweet?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Moments of Lucidity
It's moments like these that I cherish ... when life makes sense and I realize that everything I go through, the emotional rollercoaster, the highs and lows, the doubts and frustrations, are all part of the process ... my constant evolution ... my path ...
I was supposed to do street promos today ... was up at 6:30am amped and ready to hustle ... checked the weather and the forecast was all clear ... sunny and warm ... and on my commute to my boy's house (my publisher and best friend), it started raining ... so here I am at his computer typing away, not even fretting over the change in plans ... not worried that I have $55 to my name for the next couple of days ... Why? Because I know that I'll be alright, that the money's going to come ... that one day real soon, I am going to pay off my debt, buy a condo, a Range Rover, and, more importantly, put my daughter in private school ... It's really all about perspective, isn't it?
The other day I had a very interesting conversation with a co-worker of mine who is quite religious. She seems to be one of the most openminded religious people I've encountered in my life thusfar. One of the reasons I shun religion and the religious is because of the in your face, self-righteous banter that pervades conversations with them ... I won't pretend to be an innocent party to it. I am defensive about religion and my beliefs. Still, I was able to have a wonderful conversation with this young woman to the point that when we were done, I hugged her.
She listened to me and understood my belief that God enters peoples lives and reaches them in different ways ... I don't believe there is solely one way to God. I argue against the contention that the only way to God is through the Bible or any religious institution/book for that matter ... God speaks to me through my writing ... I pray through my writing ... I hear the Higher Force through the words that often come from outside of me, that resonate through me ... Perhaps that is why I find solace and redemption through the written word ... that's where it all makes sense and why I keep coming back to it time and time again ... and why when I don't write, I feel lost and confused, down and depressed ... off equilibrium ...
This woman was so open to hearing me and understanding me and not judging me that I didn't cringe when she quoted the Bible ... I didn't shut down when she spit scripture ... I listened, found myself willing and wanting to hear her ideas, her conjectures ... It was fascinating and reminded me of God and how that force is working throughout my life ... blessing me even through the hard times ... and thus I have faith that my life is entering a new phase that is sure to bowl me over ... I am in a state of flux, of metamorphosis ... I am being prepared for what is to come ... for the manifestation of the vision I've been creating throughout my experiences, my 31 years ... the stage is being set and I am amped and anxious ... Here I come world ... you ready?
I was supposed to do street promos today ... was up at 6:30am amped and ready to hustle ... checked the weather and the forecast was all clear ... sunny and warm ... and on my commute to my boy's house (my publisher and best friend), it started raining ... so here I am at his computer typing away, not even fretting over the change in plans ... not worried that I have $55 to my name for the next couple of days ... Why? Because I know that I'll be alright, that the money's going to come ... that one day real soon, I am going to pay off my debt, buy a condo, a Range Rover, and, more importantly, put my daughter in private school ... It's really all about perspective, isn't it?
The other day I had a very interesting conversation with a co-worker of mine who is quite religious. She seems to be one of the most openminded religious people I've encountered in my life thusfar. One of the reasons I shun religion and the religious is because of the in your face, self-righteous banter that pervades conversations with them ... I won't pretend to be an innocent party to it. I am defensive about religion and my beliefs. Still, I was able to have a wonderful conversation with this young woman to the point that when we were done, I hugged her.
She listened to me and understood my belief that God enters peoples lives and reaches them in different ways ... I don't believe there is solely one way to God. I argue against the contention that the only way to God is through the Bible or any religious institution/book for that matter ... God speaks to me through my writing ... I pray through my writing ... I hear the Higher Force through the words that often come from outside of me, that resonate through me ... Perhaps that is why I find solace and redemption through the written word ... that's where it all makes sense and why I keep coming back to it time and time again ... and why when I don't write, I feel lost and confused, down and depressed ... off equilibrium ...
This woman was so open to hearing me and understanding me and not judging me that I didn't cringe when she quoted the Bible ... I didn't shut down when she spit scripture ... I listened, found myself willing and wanting to hear her ideas, her conjectures ... It was fascinating and reminded me of God and how that force is working throughout my life ... blessing me even through the hard times ... and thus I have faith that my life is entering a new phase that is sure to bowl me over ... I am in a state of flux, of metamorphosis ... I am being prepared for what is to come ... for the manifestation of the vision I've been creating throughout my experiences, my 31 years ... the stage is being set and I am amped and anxious ... Here I come world ... you ready?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Trying to hold my head up
I'm in a weird mood. It's not that I'm melancholic nor am I angry ... but I'm not jumping out of my skin ecstatic either ... I'm just pensive, introspective ... wondering about my life, decision I've made ... I don't regret anything, even the stupid shit I've done (which has been quite a bit) 'cause everything is a learning experience. Still, there are some financial decisions I've made that are catching up to me now and I can't help but ponder over it ... I know I'll get out of it soon enough but ... well, it can weigh heavy on you, you know? ...
I'm not a materialistic person. Never have been. Still, there are some comforts in life that only money can provide - like a condo (don't want a house right now), a car (Range Rover, thank you very much), tuition to prestigious private schools for the nena ... and the like ... and while I know that I'll get that someday soon, right now I'm living check to check while I pursue the dream and it's, well, weighing on me ... Still, I know I have to keep my head up ... Must stay positive because the energy you put out is the same energy you get back.
I've also been wondering about my love life ... or rather, lack thereof ... Loneliness is kicking my ass. I want someone to ride with me and just don't have that nor am I getting that vibe from my "love interest" hence here I am ... The good thing (I think) is that I feel I'm finally ready to get out there and start dating again ... the only issue is that I'm so busy and strapped for cash, that I don't even know where to begin. My sorority sister told me she met some interesting people on match.com. I've never been into the internet dating thing because I have this preconceived notion that only weirdos troll the net for love, dating, etc. Still, they can't possibly be more weird than some of the men I've met in the NYC night life ... hence the hard lesson that a club is NOT the place to meet a potential mate. LOL! So, I'm back at square one ...
I spent the past weekend moving furniture and cleaning. I had rented a room. Not because I needed the money or anything but because my cousin's boyfriend was in a bad situation (basically, he'd been kicked out in the middle of the night) and needed help so I decided to pay it forward. I've been in many a situation when I've needed help and someone always lent me a helping hand so ... Anyway, he moved out last week (in a not so nice way but that's neither here nor there) and when I woke up on Saturday I got a sudden burst of energy and started moving couches and beds (mine and my daughter's) and futons and paintings. It was quite ridiculous and I was sore for days and still have bruises to show for it but my bedroom and the nena's room (which is now a playroom 'cause realistically she's never slept in her room) look great! Still, my living room, foyer and kitchen are still a mess. I know it's a process ... sometimes you have to create chaos to muster peace but jeez! This is hard work and I have no one to help me (nor am I the type to ask for help) so I have to do it slowly. I've been getting home so exhausted from work that I haven't been able to do much ... Still, I have this weekend to work on it so hopefully by Sunday night, I'll have some semblance of organization in the rest of my space ... My desk alone will probably take an entire day! LOL! I'm admittedly not the tidiest person but I've gotten much better ... It's the artist in me. We simply aren't that organized nor are we neurotic about it ... Still, I need to clear some mental and spiritual space so ...
I've been feeling for some time that I'm going through a metamorphosis. I'm 31, about to be 32 in about 2 1/2 month (GAG!), am a published writer working on her second novel (as Jamaicans would say, "Soon come), a single mom, aspiring writer, educator ... I want that "change" to extend to every part of me so I've decided to 1) Do the Atkins diet and 2) cut my hair.
I'm trying Atkins for a number of reasons. I'm a carb junkie. I love pasta and rice and bread. I mean LOVE IT! And while I know that part of the reason I haven't lost all of the baby weight (about 12 - 15 lbs.) is because I simply haven't found a way to make it the gym (who's going to stay with my nena while I sweat away doing my favorite - squats), another integral part of my dilemma is my diet. If I could just learn to eat carbs in moderation, I can lose weight more steadily ... so I'm going to learn more about the diet/lifestyle change and am going to try it in about two weeks ... Wish me luck!
I've also decided to cut my hair. Those who know me will tell you that one of my distinguishing features is my past-waist length hair. It's gorgeous, I won't deny that but I'm over it. I need something different. I've had the same "do" since I was about 10 years old. I need a change ... and I figure, if I hate it, my hair grows like weeds so I'll just regrow it ... So, by my birthday (December 9th), when I have my body back and am done with the second novel, I am going to cut my hair ... It's a big decision, I may even cry but I'm ready ... so that's that .... Off I go to bed and to tend to Ms. Thing who is having a fit ...
I'm not a materialistic person. Never have been. Still, there are some comforts in life that only money can provide - like a condo (don't want a house right now), a car (Range Rover, thank you very much), tuition to prestigious private schools for the nena ... and the like ... and while I know that I'll get that someday soon, right now I'm living check to check while I pursue the dream and it's, well, weighing on me ... Still, I know I have to keep my head up ... Must stay positive because the energy you put out is the same energy you get back.
I've also been wondering about my love life ... or rather, lack thereof ... Loneliness is kicking my ass. I want someone to ride with me and just don't have that nor am I getting that vibe from my "love interest" hence here I am ... The good thing (I think) is that I feel I'm finally ready to get out there and start dating again ... the only issue is that I'm so busy and strapped for cash, that I don't even know where to begin. My sorority sister told me she met some interesting people on match.com. I've never been into the internet dating thing because I have this preconceived notion that only weirdos troll the net for love, dating, etc. Still, they can't possibly be more weird than some of the men I've met in the NYC night life ... hence the hard lesson that a club is NOT the place to meet a potential mate. LOL! So, I'm back at square one ...
I spent the past weekend moving furniture and cleaning. I had rented a room. Not because I needed the money or anything but because my cousin's boyfriend was in a bad situation (basically, he'd been kicked out in the middle of the night) and needed help so I decided to pay it forward. I've been in many a situation when I've needed help and someone always lent me a helping hand so ... Anyway, he moved out last week (in a not so nice way but that's neither here nor there) and when I woke up on Saturday I got a sudden burst of energy and started moving couches and beds (mine and my daughter's) and futons and paintings. It was quite ridiculous and I was sore for days and still have bruises to show for it but my bedroom and the nena's room (which is now a playroom 'cause realistically she's never slept in her room) look great! Still, my living room, foyer and kitchen are still a mess. I know it's a process ... sometimes you have to create chaos to muster peace but jeez! This is hard work and I have no one to help me (nor am I the type to ask for help) so I have to do it slowly. I've been getting home so exhausted from work that I haven't been able to do much ... Still, I have this weekend to work on it so hopefully by Sunday night, I'll have some semblance of organization in the rest of my space ... My desk alone will probably take an entire day! LOL! I'm admittedly not the tidiest person but I've gotten much better ... It's the artist in me. We simply aren't that organized nor are we neurotic about it ... Still, I need to clear some mental and spiritual space so ...
I've been feeling for some time that I'm going through a metamorphosis. I'm 31, about to be 32 in about 2 1/2 month (GAG!), am a published writer working on her second novel (as Jamaicans would say, "Soon come), a single mom, aspiring writer, educator ... I want that "change" to extend to every part of me so I've decided to 1) Do the Atkins diet and 2) cut my hair.
I'm trying Atkins for a number of reasons. I'm a carb junkie. I love pasta and rice and bread. I mean LOVE IT! And while I know that part of the reason I haven't lost all of the baby weight (about 12 - 15 lbs.) is because I simply haven't found a way to make it the gym (who's going to stay with my nena while I sweat away doing my favorite - squats), another integral part of my dilemma is my diet. If I could just learn to eat carbs in moderation, I can lose weight more steadily ... so I'm going to learn more about the diet/lifestyle change and am going to try it in about two weeks ... Wish me luck!
I've also decided to cut my hair. Those who know me will tell you that one of my distinguishing features is my past-waist length hair. It's gorgeous, I won't deny that but I'm over it. I need something different. I've had the same "do" since I was about 10 years old. I need a change ... and I figure, if I hate it, my hair grows like weeds so I'll just regrow it ... So, by my birthday (December 9th), when I have my body back and am done with the second novel, I am going to cut my hair ... It's a big decision, I may even cry but I'm ready ... so that's that .... Off I go to bed and to tend to Ms. Thing who is having a fit ...
Thursday, September 13, 2007
When Am I Going To Get My Break?
God, I'm so frustrated right now. I just got home after a long day of work and fulfilling family duties, and I find a forebodingly thin envelope in my mailbox. Turns out I didn't get the fellowship I applied for back in June ... a fellowship that would have certainly helped me both financially and professionally ... so right now I'm having a private self-pity party ... Damn! I just want it to happen already and wonder WHEN? When will I get my break?
Today, at a company basketball game I was forced to go to, I was "warned" that perhaps I should ask my co-worker to put my book away. I turned and saw that my co-worker was deeply enmashed in a beginning chapter. I refused to tell her to hide the book 'cause 1) she's an adult and can decide for herself what she can read and 2) I'm tired of the political bullshit going on at the job (mind you, primarily behind the scenes and behind my back). Apparently, some of the higher ups at my j.o.b. have taken issue with the content of my book. At this point, I couldn't possibly give a flying fuck. I mean, this is my book, something I put all my life force into, the first in my path toward the fruition of my dream, and some cualquiera with a severe Napolean complex is going to dare to question me, my life and my dream because he can't handle graphic sex scenes and drug use. Hello! This is the real world and we're all adults. We all have sex, I just write about it and what the fuck is wrong with that?! We are sexual beings by nature! Dude, relax!
Anyway, my co-worker then went on to tell me that I don't know how much fighting went on to keep me at the job. I wanted to say, "You know what, I don't fucking care! If they want to fire me, let them have the balls to do it." Instead, I rolled my eyes and kept reading, fighting to hide the simmering rage in my breast. Seriously, this place doesn't even rank in the top 10 of my priority list. While I absolutely LOVE my kids, working with and educating them, seeing them strive and pursue their dreams, this is ultimately just a job that pays the bills in the meantime ... that's it. Realistically, I know I can go out and do temp work where I would get a lot more money and could eventually get a full time job where I'll be making many more G's and will have health insurance, etc. Will it be as fulfilling as working with my kids? No, probably not ... but I also won't have to deal with the bureaucratic nonsense that I have to put up with at this dumb ass non-profit organization ...
What most riles me is that many of these people claim to be religious ... many even go to the same church ... That in itself is fishy, no? As I always say, if it smells like fish, then it's fish ... But how can you dare claim to follow the Lord and then go around and do mean-spirited things to people simply because they don't cater to your ego? Sorry, but that's a sin in my book ... I may not be religious, but I am spiritual and I know for sure that God don't like ugly ... what you do WILL come back to you ... and not later but now, right here in this lifetime ...
So, on top of all this b.s., I come home to that letter ... I know it's the life of a writer ... I know that I can submit a million applications to grants, fellowships, etc. ... and send a trillion manuscripts to companies, magazines, etc. ... and chances are only a few will gush over my writing but DAMN! That doesn't make this any easier to cope with ... It's just hard to put so much energy and positivity into something you deem your calling, to then get shot down and told, "please try again next year" ... F you dude! ... But as I am me, a writer, an artist, a go getter, as far from a quitter as anyone can possibly be, I am going to keep writing, and applying to fellowships and grants, and sending manuscripts out ... 'cause it's what I have to do and I can't imagine doing anything else ... I can't give up simply because I didn't get one ... As Emile Zola said so eloquently, "If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you, 'I am here to live out loud.'"
Just today I made a "Dream" To-Do List ... I have an idea of creating an anthology of stories by people like me who were raised in same sex families ... I haven't seen anything like it yet and think it's a great time for it to happen ... I also want to put together an anthology of Latina(0) writers like me - who were exposed to both the grittiness of the streets and the world of upper class America through boarding school and/or a higher education ... I know I have tons of stories in the cache about those experiences and am certain that those with similar experiences have them to ... why not work to put those stories together into a book? ... So, I'm going to start doing research on websites, mags, etc. where I can post calls for submissions ... I have a meeting with my publisher this weekend and am going to discuss the idea with him ...
My second novel is coming along nicely ... Actually, it's already 120+ manuscript pages longer than my first novel so ... (Let me explain that: in manuscript form - that is, before it was put into book form - Woman's Cry was 160 pages (250 pages in book form) ... The new, as of yet untitled novel is already 272 pages and it's not even done yet ... It's like the more trust I put into my voice, the further she takes it, the more complex she makes my characters and intricate the tale ...
I still haven't written the article for the magazine I'm executive editor of ... I'm working on an article on Latinas in the urban genre and have repeatedly tried to schedule a meeting to interview a female in the biz but as is the life of a mother and wife, she's cancelled on me several times but, hopefully (fingers crossed), we'll finally do it this weekend ...
I also have to get to work on the first of a pentagonia (five part series) of memoirs ... It's been in the works for years and I have a number of short stories ready but ... I guess, because it's a memoir, it's just so personal and thus touches closer to home, hence I've put off completing it ... I think unconsciously I worry about what my family will say, how they'll feel, etc. ... I mean, like it or not, my relationship with my mother has always been and remains quite antagonistic. Yes, I have some fond memories but for the most part, she wasn't very loving and I still carry much resentment and anger towards her ... and no matter how hard I try to heal the wounds and bridge the chasm between us, she always manages to criticize and ridicule me to the point where I just want to scream and say, "Damn mom, when will you ever stop? Why can't you just love me?" Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that my mother loves me ... It's the way she loves me that's the problem ... So yes, I am afraid of her reaction when she reads my hurtful memories of our constant battles ... While I learned long ago that I can't live my life trying to please her, I also don't want to shun her nor push her away any farther than she already is ... But I guess it is inevitable because I have to write the memoirs ... It's not really about if, it's about when ... As Isabel Allende once said, "Write what must not be forgotten." ... And while it's painful, writing is my purge, my healing, hence I must do it ...
So there it is ... I've tried to claw these feelings of inadequacy and frustration from my being by writing about it ... and while a part of me feels a bit lighter, another is still sobbing in the corner like a toddler who lost her baby doll ... wondering when ... not how 'cause I know how ... but when ... *sighs*
Today, at a company basketball game I was forced to go to, I was "warned" that perhaps I should ask my co-worker to put my book away. I turned and saw that my co-worker was deeply enmashed in a beginning chapter. I refused to tell her to hide the book 'cause 1) she's an adult and can decide for herself what she can read and 2) I'm tired of the political bullshit going on at the job (mind you, primarily behind the scenes and behind my back). Apparently, some of the higher ups at my j.o.b. have taken issue with the content of my book. At this point, I couldn't possibly give a flying fuck. I mean, this is my book, something I put all my life force into, the first in my path toward the fruition of my dream, and some cualquiera with a severe Napolean complex is going to dare to question me, my life and my dream because he can't handle graphic sex scenes and drug use. Hello! This is the real world and we're all adults. We all have sex, I just write about it and what the fuck is wrong with that?! We are sexual beings by nature! Dude, relax!
Anyway, my co-worker then went on to tell me that I don't know how much fighting went on to keep me at the job. I wanted to say, "You know what, I don't fucking care! If they want to fire me, let them have the balls to do it." Instead, I rolled my eyes and kept reading, fighting to hide the simmering rage in my breast. Seriously, this place doesn't even rank in the top 10 of my priority list. While I absolutely LOVE my kids, working with and educating them, seeing them strive and pursue their dreams, this is ultimately just a job that pays the bills in the meantime ... that's it. Realistically, I know I can go out and do temp work where I would get a lot more money and could eventually get a full time job where I'll be making many more G's and will have health insurance, etc. Will it be as fulfilling as working with my kids? No, probably not ... but I also won't have to deal with the bureaucratic nonsense that I have to put up with at this dumb ass non-profit organization ...
What most riles me is that many of these people claim to be religious ... many even go to the same church ... That in itself is fishy, no? As I always say, if it smells like fish, then it's fish ... But how can you dare claim to follow the Lord and then go around and do mean-spirited things to people simply because they don't cater to your ego? Sorry, but that's a sin in my book ... I may not be religious, but I am spiritual and I know for sure that God don't like ugly ... what you do WILL come back to you ... and not later but now, right here in this lifetime ...
So, on top of all this b.s., I come home to that letter ... I know it's the life of a writer ... I know that I can submit a million applications to grants, fellowships, etc. ... and send a trillion manuscripts to companies, magazines, etc. ... and chances are only a few will gush over my writing but DAMN! That doesn't make this any easier to cope with ... It's just hard to put so much energy and positivity into something you deem your calling, to then get shot down and told, "please try again next year" ... F you dude! ... But as I am me, a writer, an artist, a go getter, as far from a quitter as anyone can possibly be, I am going to keep writing, and applying to fellowships and grants, and sending manuscripts out ... 'cause it's what I have to do and I can't imagine doing anything else ... I can't give up simply because I didn't get one ... As Emile Zola said so eloquently, "If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you, 'I am here to live out loud.'"
Just today I made a "Dream" To-Do List ... I have an idea of creating an anthology of stories by people like me who were raised in same sex families ... I haven't seen anything like it yet and think it's a great time for it to happen ... I also want to put together an anthology of Latina(0) writers like me - who were exposed to both the grittiness of the streets and the world of upper class America through boarding school and/or a higher education ... I know I have tons of stories in the cache about those experiences and am certain that those with similar experiences have them to ... why not work to put those stories together into a book? ... So, I'm going to start doing research on websites, mags, etc. where I can post calls for submissions ... I have a meeting with my publisher this weekend and am going to discuss the idea with him ...
My second novel is coming along nicely ... Actually, it's already 120+ manuscript pages longer than my first novel so ... (Let me explain that: in manuscript form - that is, before it was put into book form - Woman's Cry was 160 pages (250 pages in book form) ... The new, as of yet untitled novel is already 272 pages and it's not even done yet ... It's like the more trust I put into my voice, the further she takes it, the more complex she makes my characters and intricate the tale ...
I still haven't written the article for the magazine I'm executive editor of ... I'm working on an article on Latinas in the urban genre and have repeatedly tried to schedule a meeting to interview a female in the biz but as is the life of a mother and wife, she's cancelled on me several times but, hopefully (fingers crossed), we'll finally do it this weekend ...
I also have to get to work on the first of a pentagonia (five part series) of memoirs ... It's been in the works for years and I have a number of short stories ready but ... I guess, because it's a memoir, it's just so personal and thus touches closer to home, hence I've put off completing it ... I think unconsciously I worry about what my family will say, how they'll feel, etc. ... I mean, like it or not, my relationship with my mother has always been and remains quite antagonistic. Yes, I have some fond memories but for the most part, she wasn't very loving and I still carry much resentment and anger towards her ... and no matter how hard I try to heal the wounds and bridge the chasm between us, she always manages to criticize and ridicule me to the point where I just want to scream and say, "Damn mom, when will you ever stop? Why can't you just love me?" Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that my mother loves me ... It's the way she loves me that's the problem ... So yes, I am afraid of her reaction when she reads my hurtful memories of our constant battles ... While I learned long ago that I can't live my life trying to please her, I also don't want to shun her nor push her away any farther than she already is ... But I guess it is inevitable because I have to write the memoirs ... It's not really about if, it's about when ... As Isabel Allende once said, "Write what must not be forgotten." ... And while it's painful, writing is my purge, my healing, hence I must do it ...
So there it is ... I've tried to claw these feelings of inadequacy and frustration from my being by writing about it ... and while a part of me feels a bit lighter, another is still sobbing in the corner like a toddler who lost her baby doll ... wondering when ... not how 'cause I know how ... but when ... *sighs*
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