It's been a minute

since I posted a blog ... or since I wrote anything really ... I've been doing some "cleaning house" persay ... trying to clear my mind ... or rather thinking about the moves I need to make ... how I want to, intend on bring these changes to my world ...

I'm not happy with my job. I mean, I love my kids ... shit, they're the reason I keep going back everyday ... but the particulars of the job, the politics, the mundane nonsense has got me to the point where I know for certain that I need to move on. At this point, it's holding me back ... Part of me feels guilty because I know these kids need me, want me ... I'm not giving myself a pat on the shoulder here, I'm just being real. These kids have few people to look up to, to inspire them, to guide them ... People that they can actually relate to ... And many have found that in me ... but at this point I feel I'm going to have to help them in another way ... I mean, I think I'm willing to stay on some level. Like I'm willing to continue doing the afterschool writing club and book club but other than that, I'm pretty much done. So, last weekend, I recommitted myself to a job hunt and all of a sudden, the cosmos stepped in to demonstrate that the planets are in my favor ... I mean, it all comes down to what one sets one's mind to, no? If you put the energy out there, it's going to respond, no? Anyway, my point is that I got a response quick ...

I spend Saturday hustling, doing street promos ... that evening I went to a friend's house to chill out and vibe ... I'd actually spent the day with him; he pushed his t-shirts while I pushed my book. We packed up pretty late and he invited me over for some friendly conversation and intellectual energy. I walked into his lobby and a book was lying on a table ... "What Color is Your Parachute?" ... It's all about finding your niche and how you can get the job of your dreams by putting in some work, visualizing it, and putting it down ... All along the lines of The Secret and the laws of attraction, etc... Stuff I've heard of but realistically haven't put much into practice ... old habits die hard, huh? So I've been working on this project and damn, I'm feeling more positive and hopeful by the moment ... It's so easy to get in a rut and mope around 'cause one isn't happy with their situation ... I gotta stop doing that ... I'm not happy so what am I doing about it? So I've given myself a deadline of my birthday ... then I'm out ... I'd love to give a month's notice ... just 'cause I'm not shady like that and don't believe in burning bridges ... but I have to do what's right for me and if a life-changing opportunity comes around, I'm jumping on it quick ... What's crazy is despite the slight trepidation that's looming on the outskirts ... that I've been pushing aside and prodding away with my everpresent sense of hope and belief and confidence, I'm really feeling like this is it for me ... I'm going to find something that is going to be fulfilling in every sense of the word ... A job where I'll be learning and creating ... where I won't feel completely overqualified and unchallenged ... So that's what I'm working on at the moment ...

And being a Sag and always being on the grind and setting goals, I've also given myself a deadline of my birthday (which is by the way in about six weeks) to finish the first draft of my second novel. I put it aside and have worked on it here and there, done some editing and the like but not much ... I know I needed some time to take care of the first book (promote it, etc.) but I can't lose sight of the vision because I'm handling other particulars ...

You know, the other day, yesterday I think, I came across a description of Sagitarrius's and I chuckled at something that was said ... it was something along the lines that we aim high ... for the sky ... but not just anything in the sky ... it's the stars we hope to reach ... Damn, ain't that the truth?! I'm never satisfied ... I mean, I reach one goal and I move on to the next ... set more to accomplish more ... It's this mindset that's gotten me this far ... but it's also this mindset that's made me sometimes not really enjoy what I've done ... to relish in the fulfillment of a dream ... There's just so much to be done ... always something else to do, to move towards ... I never stop ... my energy is spastic ... sometimes I wonder how it is I can sit down ... I'm always on the go, go, go ... Even on days when I can relax, I don't ... Like today it was rainy and gross out so I could have chilled out with my nena and watched some flicks and whatever but I didn't ... I washed clothes, cleaned the house, completed my lesson plans for the week and even finished up the flyers and decor for the Latino Heritage Month event I'm spearheading on Tuesday ... Wow! I didn't realize how much I'd done until I wrote it ... 'cause what's funny is that I feel I could have done more!
That's why this diet almost killed me when I first started it three weeks ago ...

I started the South Beach diet and the first week or so was torture. My energy was low, I was getting headaches, was crabby as hell (more than usual - LOL!) ... Shit, I didn't realize the effect carbs have on your body until I didn't have any ... What caused me the most grief was that I had such low energy ... I mean, I'm okay now but it wasn't cool for a minute there ... I was really weak and I'm just not used to feeling like that ... Whatever the case, I'm losing weight quick and am everexcited to buy "the dress" for my birthday ... by then I know I'll be celebrating both the 32nd (GAG!) and the beginning of a new phase in my career endeavors ... it's a life change y'all!

Just thinking ...

So here I am just practice session writing ... I haven't felt exactly "filled with Muse" but I can't say I've been stagnant either ... I haven't really been working on the new novel though. This one is different than the first ... The first poured out of me ... It had been marinating for so long that when I finally sat down at the computer, it was like a dam had broken and it all gushed out ... I barely slept, ate or did anything else but write for two weeks ... and thus Woman's Cry came to be. This as of yet untitled novel is taking a bit longer ... I also don't have the time on my hands that I did back then but it's also a number of other factors ... including my state of mind ... perhaps some insecurities because this book is so different than the first ... I know it's also 'cause the character is so much more complicated ... the plot much more intricate ... It's my second installment and it must live up to the first ... or rather, outshine the first ... so while I'm feeling hesitant and a bit worried, I don't want to write when I'm feeling insecure ... I have to write for me, from the gut and to do so takes a clearer state of mind than the present ... so I started rereading it and editing ... different story lines have crossed my mind but I've opted to let it sit and simmer and just be until I take to the keyboard and type away ...

As for all else, it is what it is ... I've been doing some street promotions and am taken aback by some of the reactions ... all positive, some flooring ... Two girls cried upon meeting me, swearing that they were so touched by the story, they were moved to tears ... Another read the book in one night and sent me a long message to my myspace page ... She said that she's been going through a rough patch and the book took her away from that for a while ... It's rewarding to see that my book has touched so many lives but it's still kinda surreal ... and at the same time I wonder, if it's so good, if it's so well received, when is it going to happen for me? I know this is my first installment but I've been through so much already, I am anxious to see the fruition of the dream ... And I know this is the path that I must walk, that this is all in preparation for what is to come but there are days, like yesterday, when I am overcome by impatience and anxiety ... It's scary to do this ... I mean, I know I could be making more money and could even perhaps have some semblance of stability but would I be happy? Probably not ... No, let me correct that, definitely not ... I'd always wonder what could have happened and I can't live like that ... It's not in my nature ... so I'll continue to grind and hustle and write and dream and visualize and write some more ... and one day I know it will pay off as I've visualized it all along ...