I'm sitting at my computer just thinking about life so I decided to write. Honestly, I haven't been writing much during this little break (I've been off work this week) ... I've been cleansing my space and my spirit while getting ready for 2008 so ... but as always, I'm drawn to writing it all down so here I am.
A little while ago I talked to a longtime friend who I hadn't realized I missed so much until I spoke to him. His comedy was refreshing as was his usual, "at odds with mine" take on life and love. He told me that I'm wasting my time waiting for passion. He's always been the more practical of my friends and while that works for him (shit, he has a phat crib, a wife and daughter), it's not my cup of tea. I want to be swept off my feet. I want crazy, irrational love ... I want something that consumes me ... but in a good, don't forget about my life kinda way, if that makes sense at all. I want fire dude and I won't settle for less nor do I think there's anything wrong with that ... I don't want lukewarm... I don't want someone to grow on me ... I want to wake up next to him in the morning and just stare at him with wonder while he sleeps ... I want that crazy, movie-type love. I want someone to ride with me ... someone to check me when I need to be checked ... arms that will cradle me when I need a nook to cry into ... to hold me and make me feel safe ... I want magic! I want someone who makes my heart palpitate everytime I see him ... who makes the hairs on the small of my back stand on edge ... who makes me tickle in all the right places ... who makes me gasp ... That's what I want ... a friend ... a lover ... a man ... a real man who can handle my independence and my attitude and my hunger ... who will drive with me without fear or apprehension when my independent, stubborn ass wants to grab the reins ... who I can return the reins to willingly without worry ... someone who I can bring around my friends, who will embrace them as his own family as they are mine ... Is that too much to ask? To expect? Hell no! And I have no delusions that it will be easy ... Shit, love isn't easy ... It's a rollercoaster ride ... It's wrenching but damn it's good!
*sighs* ... And off I go on another tangent.
Today I helped one of my former students complete her application to Columbia U., my alma mater. I'm so proud of her. When I met her, she was getting over a relationship that had ripped her to shreds. I saw this young girl with so much potential but so much anger and resentment ... so I took her under my wing and helped her see her own divinity and now ... Now she sees what she's capable of ... she sees her awesome gift - her writing ... and now she wants to be a writer ... To have been a part of that evolution is humbling ... Another gift I have - an ability to connect with youth ... She's my baby ... Seeing her was uplifting ... And I see her going so far ... Embracing that fear that once stunted her and using it as a catalyst ... Yeah baby!
And now I'm off to continue typing my second novel ... just a few more pages to type up ... for it was handwritten in a journal ... and now it's time to let it out into the world ... Blessed be!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
2007 - The Year in Review
So I've been thinking about how magical this year has been for me ... and in doing so have decided to assess somewhat haphazardly why it's been so fucking "sick" (in a good way) for me and my existence ...
I'll start by saying that I've grown this year in leaps and bounds ... more than I think I have in some time. Some time ago I made the conscious decision to stop bullshitting and start "going for the gold" ... This year I've seen the fruit of all my labors ... In my nena who has evolved into a social, attitudey little creature who fears nothing and is open to exploring and showing herself off. She sings and dances and laughs and plays with no care in the world about who's watching or judging. I love that! ... I published my first book (WOW!) and have received rave reviews. Recently someone I met read the book (on the recommendation of someone special) and he sent me detailed comments on how much he enjoyed the book, the development of the plot, the tension in the scenes ... His details were so vivid, down to emotions my writing spurred ... Hearing that once again reminded me of what a wonderful gift I've been given and what a remarkable job I've done in fine tuning it ... I also finished my second novel.
That in itself is an interesting story, that is, how it came about. I reconnected with someone from my past that always had a special niche in my heart. Seeing him again and feeling his energy (yummy!) gave my muse a much needed nudge. So one day, on the train actually, I just started writing and thus began the second novel. What's even more intriguing is that the novel was written for the most part on the train, in transit to and from work. Then, after working on it diligently for some time, I put it down because I'd lost faith in it. I was going through some internal turmoil (that had much to do with the "stunting" of a relationship and a situaton I was enduring at my former place of employment) and just wasn't feeling the story line anymore ... so I walked away from it, unsure if I'd return or even if the story still had merit. During the sabattical of sorts I went into myself and started making moves to get myself together ... And in that time, I saw that I'd gotten caught up in unnecessary worries ... I was frustrated with a "relationship" ... or rather, I was letting it get to me that I had no control of a situation without accepting that ultimately, when it comes to affairs of the heart, one never really has the reins ... I was also caught up in a job that wasn't fulfilling or challenging me but I wasn't really doing anything proactive about it. Then one day I just stood up and said, "Get it together V!" ... and within a matter of weeks, I had a new job and a new attitude. I stopped resenting myself and the world for what I didn't have and began appreciating what I did have ... which realistically is so much.
At the ripe age of 32, I have a little girl that is the light of my world. And although baby daddy and I are not friends nor do we see eye to eye, I am thankful that he is in her life and does what many fathers don't do - he loves and supports his daughter. I have an extraordinary group of friends who are driven and ambitious and an integral part of my life. I have family that truly adore my daughter and love me, and help me as much as they can. And I have a gift ... Wow! What a gift. I can write. I can tell stories. I have an imagination that never fails me nor ceases to surprise me with the tales my Muse weaves ... And I have myself ... and boy do I love me and am so proud of me ... even though I can be brutal on myself 'cause I know what I'm capable of and am always striving for that ...
And in discovering all that and embracing my blessings, I've come to this: when you want to make a change, to make life-altering moves, those energies have to extend to all aspects of your life ... not segments or pieces ... You simply can't compartmentalize the changes, they have to be across the board. Taking those actions will bring about lasting, impactful change as they have in my world. And it started with a cleansing of my spirit and continued with a cleansing of my body (20 or so pounds and counting!) ... starting to work out ... cutting my hair ... finding V again ... And thus 2007 has been one of the most memorable and satisfying years in my life thusfar ... Readying me for those to come ... for even greater magic ... bliss ... joy ... Booyaa!!!
I'll start by saying that I've grown this year in leaps and bounds ... more than I think I have in some time. Some time ago I made the conscious decision to stop bullshitting and start "going for the gold" ... This year I've seen the fruit of all my labors ... In my nena who has evolved into a social, attitudey little creature who fears nothing and is open to exploring and showing herself off. She sings and dances and laughs and plays with no care in the world about who's watching or judging. I love that! ... I published my first book (WOW!) and have received rave reviews. Recently someone I met read the book (on the recommendation of someone special) and he sent me detailed comments on how much he enjoyed the book, the development of the plot, the tension in the scenes ... His details were so vivid, down to emotions my writing spurred ... Hearing that once again reminded me of what a wonderful gift I've been given and what a remarkable job I've done in fine tuning it ... I also finished my second novel.
That in itself is an interesting story, that is, how it came about. I reconnected with someone from my past that always had a special niche in my heart. Seeing him again and feeling his energy (yummy!) gave my muse a much needed nudge. So one day, on the train actually, I just started writing and thus began the second novel. What's even more intriguing is that the novel was written for the most part on the train, in transit to and from work. Then, after working on it diligently for some time, I put it down because I'd lost faith in it. I was going through some internal turmoil (that had much to do with the "stunting" of a relationship and a situaton I was enduring at my former place of employment) and just wasn't feeling the story line anymore ... so I walked away from it, unsure if I'd return or even if the story still had merit. During the sabattical of sorts I went into myself and started making moves to get myself together ... And in that time, I saw that I'd gotten caught up in unnecessary worries ... I was frustrated with a "relationship" ... or rather, I was letting it get to me that I had no control of a situation without accepting that ultimately, when it comes to affairs of the heart, one never really has the reins ... I was also caught up in a job that wasn't fulfilling or challenging me but I wasn't really doing anything proactive about it. Then one day I just stood up and said, "Get it together V!" ... and within a matter of weeks, I had a new job and a new attitude. I stopped resenting myself and the world for what I didn't have and began appreciating what I did have ... which realistically is so much.
At the ripe age of 32, I have a little girl that is the light of my world. And although baby daddy and I are not friends nor do we see eye to eye, I am thankful that he is in her life and does what many fathers don't do - he loves and supports his daughter. I have an extraordinary group of friends who are driven and ambitious and an integral part of my life. I have family that truly adore my daughter and love me, and help me as much as they can. And I have a gift ... Wow! What a gift. I can write. I can tell stories. I have an imagination that never fails me nor ceases to surprise me with the tales my Muse weaves ... And I have myself ... and boy do I love me and am so proud of me ... even though I can be brutal on myself 'cause I know what I'm capable of and am always striving for that ...
And in discovering all that and embracing my blessings, I've come to this: when you want to make a change, to make life-altering moves, those energies have to extend to all aspects of your life ... not segments or pieces ... You simply can't compartmentalize the changes, they have to be across the board. Taking those actions will bring about lasting, impactful change as they have in my world. And it started with a cleansing of my spirit and continued with a cleansing of my body (20 or so pounds and counting!) ... starting to work out ... cutting my hair ... finding V again ... And thus 2007 has been one of the most memorable and satisfying years in my life thusfar ... Readying me for those to come ... for even greater magic ... bliss ... joy ... Booyaa!!!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Hmmm ...
I reread the blog I just posted and thought, "Hmmm, that sounds a bit angry" ... hence this follow up blog. I'm really not angry at all. I'm actually the happiest I've been in a long time. My 32nd birthday (GAG! 32! Jeez) was AWESOME! I had to celebrate it because this b-day I was (and still am) the happiest I've been in I don't know how long. I feel so accomplished, so driven ... so blessed. And thus I felt the need to have a bash and do it up ... and that I did ... But first I cut my hair. Yes, I chopped it into a bob and I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT! I look so different ... grown and sexy! YES!
So, back to my birthday ... First someone very special, who will remain nameless, took me out to dinner. Of course I was late. An hour late! And this guy is a time ogre so that was a little wack but ... Damn, I really couldn't help it this time. I made such an effort to be on time! It was Uncle Murphy doing what he does best - fuckin' shit up. First my stylist was late. Yes, I had a stylist come to my house to do my hair and make up (WORK GIRL!) ... So of course that fucked me up. So I decided to take a cab ($55 - JEEZ!) and traffic was so crazy it took me an hour and a half to get downtown. ARG! But when I got there and I cracked his pissed off shell, we had a great time laughing and talking and, yes, flirting ... And the food was delish ... but he was even more delish ... So anyway, we get to the spot, he buys me a bottle of Moet (DAMN!) and my night just improved from there ... He left early (old man!) and my friends were late (Damn boxing match delayed the masses) but I still danced my tail off and drank myself merry! ...
What made this b-day even more fantastic was that that very week I started a new job at an online mag (dosomething.org) where I am in charge of all the content. Mind you, I interviewed for another job and they loved me so much, they created a job just for me! Yes, I'm that fly (bows & giggles) ... I spend my day writing and editing and researching. LOVE IT! To finally be recognized for my gifts ... to be doing this full time, not just on the side is so overwhelmingly great ... I know I'm embarking on a truly promising road ... and this is only the beginning ... and all because I got proactive, because I took charge of my life ... How sweet it is!
So, basically, I'm not angry. I've just awakened to a lot of realities. I learned long ago that you can't keep negativity close 'cause it's contagious. You have to keep that shit away from you ... I mean, people will have negative moments. Shit, we all do. But I'm talking about people that walk around with that cloud over their heads ... I'm just not with it. I can't do it ... so I let go and keep it moving. I got too much going for me right now ... I have a nena to worry about and empires to build ... and thus I move forth ... Still wish them the best but they have to do them and, of course, I must do me!
So, back to my birthday ... First someone very special, who will remain nameless, took me out to dinner. Of course I was late. An hour late! And this guy is a time ogre so that was a little wack but ... Damn, I really couldn't help it this time. I made such an effort to be on time! It was Uncle Murphy doing what he does best - fuckin' shit up. First my stylist was late. Yes, I had a stylist come to my house to do my hair and make up (WORK GIRL!) ... So of course that fucked me up. So I decided to take a cab ($55 - JEEZ!) and traffic was so crazy it took me an hour and a half to get downtown. ARG! But when I got there and I cracked his pissed off shell, we had a great time laughing and talking and, yes, flirting ... And the food was delish ... but he was even more delish ... So anyway, we get to the spot, he buys me a bottle of Moet (DAMN!) and my night just improved from there ... He left early (old man!) and my friends were late (Damn boxing match delayed the masses) but I still danced my tail off and drank myself merry! ...
What made this b-day even more fantastic was that that very week I started a new job at an online mag (dosomething.org) where I am in charge of all the content. Mind you, I interviewed for another job and they loved me so much, they created a job just for me! Yes, I'm that fly (bows & giggles) ... I spend my day writing and editing and researching. LOVE IT! To finally be recognized for my gifts ... to be doing this full time, not just on the side is so overwhelmingly great ... I know I'm embarking on a truly promising road ... and this is only the beginning ... and all because I got proactive, because I took charge of my life ... How sweet it is!
So, basically, I'm not angry. I've just awakened to a lot of realities. I learned long ago that you can't keep negativity close 'cause it's contagious. You have to keep that shit away from you ... I mean, people will have negative moments. Shit, we all do. But I'm talking about people that walk around with that cloud over their heads ... I'm just not with it. I can't do it ... so I let go and keep it moving. I got too much going for me right now ... I have a nena to worry about and empires to build ... and thus I move forth ... Still wish them the best but they have to do them and, of course, I must do me!
Over it!
It's been a minute since I blogged on this site but I felt compelled to do so, so here I am. I guess I'm writing this 'cause I'm at such a more evolved state in my life and my attitude ... This year has been absolutely AMAZING for me. I published my first book, had a short story featured in an anthology, just finished the first draft of my second novel, and got a new job as a fulltime content writer and editor at an online magazine ... My cup runneth over dude! And I know it happened 'cause I stopped bitching and moaning and complaining and became proactive. I had to make changes in myself and all aspects of my life in order for my dreams to come to fruition ... And that's been my greatest lesson this year ... that when you want something so bad it burns, you gotta go after it, period. And nobody's gonna hold your hand, no one's gonna coddle you and assuage your every worry ... no one's gonna work for you ... you gotta do, period, point blank ... So that's what I did ... what I've been doing ... and hence why this year has been so f'ing amazing for me.
And with all these changes I've been making ... all the work I've done on V has made me more aware of the people I surround myself with ... I've become more appreciative of the great friends I have in my world. I am blessed to have an eclectic group of driven, ambitious individuals who are supportive of me and my daughter ... They are there when I have a project I need them to edit, they're there. When I have an emotional moment and need to vent, they're there. When I have a weekend to be an adult (cause the nena is with daddy), they're there to toast with me and catch up ... Whenever anything happens, they are there ... and I love them for it ... for who they are ... and for their neverending support and love ...
Then there are those that I realized are not on the level I am. I'm not trying to be condescending here but the reality is the reality ... If you're harping on old grudges, I can't fuck with you. If you're immature and/or insecure, and thus threatened by my success and the moves I'm making, I can't fuck with you. If you're manipulative and tell me half truths, I can't fuck with you. You will eventually learn that the truth ALWAYS comes out dude ... If you're stuck in your early twenties when you're in your late twenties or early thirties, I can't fuck with you ... If you can't handle how real I am and how I won't mince words to assuage your oversensitive ass, I can't fuck with you. If you do shady shit to my friends and then front like you didn't, I can't fuck with you. If you make excuses for your life and the fact that you haven't done shit with yourself, I can't fuck with you. Listen, life's a bitch! Get over it and move the fuck on! I only care to hear your story if you've actually overcome it or are making moves to overcome it, NOT if you're stuck in the mire of your self-pity. I don't want drama in my life so if you're a drama magnet or enjoy causing drama, I can't fuck with you ... If you don't realize that friends aren't here to make excuses for you and with you ... that as your friend, I will read you if I have to ... that to me friendship means being real not catering to your whims, fancies and mood ... if you can't handle that, I can't fuck with you.
I am so loyal to my friends, it's ridiculous ... but I don't make friends easily and I know that. I'm brutal and I'm not in denial about it. I know what I want and I won't settle for less. I'm real, what you see is what you get. I don't wear masks and I can't be friends with people who do. Friendship to me is sacred, as a result, if you slight me, chances are I'll cut you off. It is what it is ... and I think the reason I only have a small group of very close people ... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
And with all these changes I've been making ... all the work I've done on V has made me more aware of the people I surround myself with ... I've become more appreciative of the great friends I have in my world. I am blessed to have an eclectic group of driven, ambitious individuals who are supportive of me and my daughter ... They are there when I have a project I need them to edit, they're there. When I have an emotional moment and need to vent, they're there. When I have a weekend to be an adult (cause the nena is with daddy), they're there to toast with me and catch up ... Whenever anything happens, they are there ... and I love them for it ... for who they are ... and for their neverending support and love ...
Then there are those that I realized are not on the level I am. I'm not trying to be condescending here but the reality is the reality ... If you're harping on old grudges, I can't fuck with you. If you're immature and/or insecure, and thus threatened by my success and the moves I'm making, I can't fuck with you. If you're manipulative and tell me half truths, I can't fuck with you. You will eventually learn that the truth ALWAYS comes out dude ... If you're stuck in your early twenties when you're in your late twenties or early thirties, I can't fuck with you ... If you can't handle how real I am and how I won't mince words to assuage your oversensitive ass, I can't fuck with you. If you do shady shit to my friends and then front like you didn't, I can't fuck with you. If you make excuses for your life and the fact that you haven't done shit with yourself, I can't fuck with you. Listen, life's a bitch! Get over it and move the fuck on! I only care to hear your story if you've actually overcome it or are making moves to overcome it, NOT if you're stuck in the mire of your self-pity. I don't want drama in my life so if you're a drama magnet or enjoy causing drama, I can't fuck with you ... If you don't realize that friends aren't here to make excuses for you and with you ... that as your friend, I will read you if I have to ... that to me friendship means being real not catering to your whims, fancies and mood ... if you can't handle that, I can't fuck with you.
I am so loyal to my friends, it's ridiculous ... but I don't make friends easily and I know that. I'm brutal and I'm not in denial about it. I know what I want and I won't settle for less. I'm real, what you see is what you get. I don't wear masks and I can't be friends with people who do. Friendship to me is sacred, as a result, if you slight me, chances are I'll cut you off. It is what it is ... and I think the reason I only have a small group of very close people ... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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