Just in case you wanted to know

Since it's early and I can't sleep and I'm thinking about me and what makes me, well, me ... here are some facts, just in case you wanted to know:

I'm free spirited

I'm outgoing but I don't let people in often

I don't fall easily but when I do, damn, I fall HARD

I'm not in love but I easily could be ... *sighs*

I'll try just about everything once

I love to hear people's stories

I'm confident on many levels but insecure on some

I don't front ... I am who I am

Insecurities and all, I'm a fly azz biatch

I can sooo shady

I miss working out

I recently lost 20 lbs

I didn't weigh myself for three months so I didn't really know how much I'd lost until yesterday

When I commit myself to something, it's hard to sway me in another direction

I used to front about my feelings ... I don't anymore

I think most people are fake and unaware

I'm not living wondering where I can go, I'm living it

My motto for 2008: "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." (that midget alien was brilliant)

I'm hard on myself

I demand excellence from myself and others

I have moments of weakness just like everyone else

The hard facade is mostly a mask ... stick around if you want to see the real

Still, I don't take bullshit

I can be blunt to a fault but have learned that one can have an iron fist with a velvet glove

I have a short temper and will read you if you take me there

I have no patience for nasty people

I have a strong bourgeoise streak

But I can be real down to earth as well

I'm contemplating buying a total gym

I'm proud to a fault

I'm lonely

I want love

But am still wrestling with the work that will require

I have no delusions about love

It's hard

It's wrenching

But the euphoria makes up for it all

I never thought I'd want to have another kid

But if I met the right man, I just might have one more

I believe there is always order to chaos even if you don't see it

I believe we're all divine beings

I love, love, love being a woman

If I could have a superpower, I would want the ability to morph ... I would be so mischievous!

I would like to be a man for a while ... if only to get insight into the male mind and heart ...

I have a horrible track record with men ... I sure know how to pick 'em .... NOT!

I've made some dumb ass mistakes in my life

But I wouldn't change a damn thing ... No regrets.

I am only now realizing how self aware I am ...

And I'm only now realizing how straight forward I am ...

In seeing that most people are not.

I get scared just like anyone else ...

The difference is that I use fear as a catalyst ...

What I fear most is not doing it ... the idea of failure scares the shit out of me.

I'm taking it there ... and I don't give a fuck who doubts, who questions ...

It's as simple as that ...

I guess I'll see you next lifetime

t's almost 5 in the morning and I can't sleep .... spent the better part of the day sleeping after a night of good times (giggles) ... Sitting here nursing this consistent cough with tea and cough drops ... and thinking of him and what I gotta do ... let go ...

I can't keep waiting. I mean, I've been patient. You needed time ... I gave it ... You needed space ... I gave it ... You needed to know I'm still here ... still care ... I acquiesced ... but what about me? What about what I want? How I feel? I can't continue to keep my feelings in a little box in my pocket ... the box is starting to poke at my thigh ... prodding ... reminding ... What about me? ... So I gotta bounce pa. I gotta make moves for me 'cause while you've been doing you, I've been on the sideline waiting, hoping, thinking maybe today you'll come around and tell me, let's do this ... but you haven't and I'm tired ...

I read something recently, "Don't let someone be your priority if for them you're just an option." I've done that with you ... I convoluted things to make myself believe otherwise ... I wrote a new book about it ... twisted tale of running away and letting go ... it took me almost a year ... I wondered why ... why I fought with it ... put it away for a while ... lost faith in it for a minute ... almost trashed it ... but when I reread it, shit, it was a work of art that deserved to be completed ... and put out there ... and so the book has traveled with me, developed with me throughout this twisted affair ... and as I put it to bed, so I must put this ... you ... you were the inspiration and for that I am evergrateful ... but it does not suffice to continue to cheat myself of experiencing something real because of the foolish notion that perhaps today you will awaken ... Nah, ya no puedo ... so I guess I'll see you next lifetime ... no hard feelings ...

Be Wild with Me

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with."

Today I just want to sit and write and muse and ponder ... The above quote is what I'm mulling over at the moment... but with me there is no "maybe" ... I am not meant to be tamed. One man tried to tame me, my daughter's father, thus why he's my ex ... But boy did he try ... and he almost did break me. Could have if I weren't so stubborn and free and, yes, fuerte ... But that's not what's meant for me. I am wild and I'm not ashamed to say it ... Yes, I've calmed down as I've gotten older and taken on the role of mother ... but I'm still wild by any standard. I'll try just about anything once ... notice I said just about because, like everyone, I have my limits. Still, I'm openminded when it comes to adventure and fun and partying and meeting new people and just getting out there and exploring ... getting to know me and you ... the world with all its celebrations and tragedies ... So, no, I'm not meant to be tamed ...

Tame is bland, dull, blah ... Wild is colorful, exciting, uninhibited, free ... unreined ... untethered ... Boundless ... unafraid ...

And I want someone to run wild alongside me ... and yes, there'll be time I'll want to run ahead ... and times I'll want him to take the lead ... but the point is that we remain untamed ... wild ... and free ...

What I've realized

So the other day I met the wife of a new friend. I met the gentleman through a mutual friend. Turns out we went to Columbia together years ago but we didn't meet until last year. Immediately I knew this guy was cool. He's smart, has charming energy and is a great conversationalist. So some time later he read my book and sent me detailed descriptions of the emotions evoked by certain scenes, etc. Turns out he's an undercover writer himself ... so we connected on some business isht and have established a pretty cool vibe... so much so that when he asked if he could get a sneak peek of my second novel (which is in the first stages of editing), I acquiesced... So I met his wifey and she is even more exquisite that he described. By the end of the night, we knew one another's life stories.

I love people like that. Who speak freely of their joys and pains. Who don't hold back for fear of being judged. Why hide what you've been through? I mean, we all have skeletons, we've all been through something ... Why deny it? Why be ashamed? It's made you who you are today so let it go ... Be open to sharing it for in the sharing, you free yourself of it ...

We had incredible conversation about just about anything and everything. I informed with slight excitement that my book is required reading (on the syllabus) of a class at Pace - Psychology of Ethnic Groups in the USA: The Latino Experience ... While I know this is big, she made me realize how big this is. She asked: Do you remember what it felt like to meet the author of a book you read? ... I was speechless ... I mean, I remember reading Down These Mean Streets by Piri Thomas. And when I got the opportunity to meet him, I was thrilled ...

It seems I've gotten so caught up in the hustle, when my labor begins to bear fruit, I don't give myself the kudos I deserve ... time to actually appreciate it ... Hmmm...

In watching this couple, the loving way they look at one another, the connection they have ... hearing their story (which is a saga that began in high school), feeling their love, I realized how lonely I am ... how much I want to share that with someone ... Now, let's get something straight here, I am an independent woman who enjoys the freedom of the single life but ... it's natural, human to want companionship ... creature comfort ... love ...

For so long I really believed that admitting this was a sign of weakness ... that loving someone was a sign of weakness ... that in order to survive, I had to put up this "I couldn't care less" front ... for remaining detached gave me a sense of control ... a false sense of strength ... Now I know better. Loving and showing love is not a sign of weakness. Putting yourself out there without worry about whether you're going to get it back is the greatest sign of strength I can imagine ...

..>..> ..> I'd say the biggest decisions of your life, Vanessa, were not your career, your marital status, or your home... they were choosing to love as often as you have.

And that's a lot,
The Universe


I've really love two men in my life... crazy love... all encompassing love ... and while I suffered, I know now that it was worth it for the love was amazing ... And it's made me realize the kind of love I want ... I want passion. I want crazy. I want love-to-the-core kind of love. I want fire ... I want the kind of love that makes me pick up the phone and call him when it's only be five minutes since I saw him ... after a night of sweaty, heart racing, body fluid flowing love ... Shit! That's what I want ...

So this female asked me how I know that's what I want. Insisted that maybe I want that 'cause that's all I've ever known ... That was deep ... but I had "comfortable", "grow on you" love and that didn't work ... it wasn't real ...

Not too long ago I met this guy who was ready to go all out with me. I can't say there was anything really wrong with him. He was well established, owns two apartment buildings... He was cute ... although I must admit that I didn't exactly love his style of dress but (yes, that may be superficial but let's be real - you like what you like) ... So I tried to give him a chance. He took me out, we drank and chilled ... and as is the nature of alcohol, I lost all inhibition and ended up making out with him... But I knew that was all it would be... so I felt bad when he told me, "this is perfect, don't you feel it?" ... I didn't ... I didn't tell him though. No need to crush someone ... but you can't force yourself to feel for someone ... And I must admit that one of the things that turned me off was when he told me that he thought reading was a waste of time ... WASTE OF TIME?! HUH?! You don't say that to a writer ... the written word is the air I breathe ... How can we connect if you don't value what I do for a living ... But that wasn't just it ... He's not ambitious, he's complacent ... he's content with where he's at and doesn't really care to take his life anywhere else ... That too isn't me. I'm a go getter. I'm uber-ambitious ... I set goals and once I achieve those, I set more ... It's nonstop with me ... so it's not that I want someone exactly like me but I just don't think that the opposite of me will work ... I need someone who can at least appreciate what I do, what I want, how hard I strive ...

And I do need love. Shit, we all need love. It's depressing to not have it in your world. And I know I'm loved by my friends and my family ... but I want love, man! I want the trembling-fingers kind of love ... I want the damn-I-can't-get-him-off-my-mind love ... And that doesn't make me weak or co-dependent ... It doesn't mean I'm any less independent or any less of a warrior spirit ... It just means that I'm a woman who wants to love and be loved ... no more, no less ...

And it doesn't mean that I'm so thirsty I'm going to latch on to the first man that I get attention from. I'm not an ugly woman. I meet men all the time that want to take me out ... Nor does it mean the minute I like a boy, I'm going to want to make him my man ... No, it means that when I feel the connection, I want to explore it ... Let's get to know one another ... talk ... go to museums and restaurants and whatever suits our fancy ... that's not too much to ask ...

At this point I know what I want so why settle for less? Am I cheating myself by not giving someone a chance? No, I think I'm cheating him if I can't reciprocate what he feels ...

They say that if you put it out there, you'll get it ... so I'm putting it out there ... this is what I want ...

In the immortal words of Carrie Bradshaw: "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with." ... Word! I'm not meant to be tamed. I won't be ... I need someone as unreined and wild like me ... Still, "I am someone who is looking for love, real love…ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love…"

I'm terrified!

Last night I had a dream with my second mom. Right now I can't remember if I've dreamed of her since she passed away on March 15th of 2005... but last night's dream was so lucid. I don't remember clearly who else was in the dream ... I walked into a room and she was standing there talking to someone. She looked good... healthy, happy ... like she'd lost weight. She turned and looked at me, and I ran. I ran... I was frightened... confused because even in the dream I knew that she'd long departed from this world... Yet she was there ... And it wasn't a ghost... she was there, in the flesh ... I cried, pleading, how could this be? She's dead ... How can she be here now? I didn't understand ... And I don't remember if I spoke to here ... I hope I did ... Now I feel like she visited me from beyond ... to check in ... I'd been thinking about her recently... Really, not a day passes that I don't think of her but the other day I felt a strong pang of loss ... I've been missing her dearly ...

A moment ago my mother called to tell me that my brother's in the hospital again ... this time it's pneumonia ... several weeks ago it was a septic infection in his blood. And when I spoke to him he broke down. He's so scared ... He's been sick for so long ... he's been one of the lucky ones who hasn't been eaten away quickly by the virus ... Now he fears that it's catching up with him... how he's tortured his body with drugs and negative energies ... I assuaged him as best I could, telling him that he doesn't have the PSP pneumonia that HIV patients are prone to ... that herald in the inevitable ... No, he has slight pneumonia and because of his illness, he's being admitted for monitoring and medication ... I told him that now is when he has to really remain positive. He was diagnosed 14 years ago and despite all the horrible things he's done, he's remained healthy ... so now is when he must remain optimistic ... now is when he has to use his powers to bring himself back to health ...

But I'm scared ... I'm scared because he is my superman and I can't fathom living without him ... of not having him there to talk to, to hold, to remind me of the powerful bond we've always shared... As kids we were so close. I was his "nena" ... When he fought, I fought. When he cried, I cried. When he laughed, I laughed.

I remember when I found out that he was HIV positive. That was the worst day of my life. My ex's mother callously told me on the street that he was infected. I collapsed onto the floor. I had to be lifted up and put into a car where I curled up into fetal position and bawled for hours ... And when he was imprisoned on a drug offense in my freshman year of college, I cried for days, mortified that I wouldn't have him there to support me in my new life as a college student ... I wrote him at least twice a week throughout his entire bid ...

We talk almost everyday and when he doesn't call me, I wonder and worry ... pray that he hasn't fallen again into his habit ... and when I hear his voice, hear that he's safe and healthy, I exhale ... for I'd been holding my breath as if I'd been underwater, a weed tied to my ankle, not letting me swim to the surface for air ...

God bless him ... keep him safe ... it's not his time ... I need him ... my daughter needs him ... my mother needs him ... the world needs him ... my world needs him ...

Who do you keep close?

Everyone Can't Be in Your Front Row

Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully.

Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention to:

Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people you are around! Ask Spirit for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

"Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you sink to theirs!"

By: Unknown Author

I read this some time ago and encountered it once again in a new friend's blog (Thanks Diosa). I felt compelled to post it for innumerable reasons ... These words ring so true to who I am right now and the thoughts that have been whirling in my head.

I am ultraselective in who I permit into my inner circle. I wasn't always like this however and it effected me harshly.

For a long time I lived trying to please others, hanging on to people and inviting people into my world that weren't worthy of being there. That may sound arrogant but it is what it is. I was weak. I was insecure. I was lost. I was lonely. I hadn't found myself. I was looking at the exterior for strength and meaning instead of looking at the true source of that - the interior. And that only caused me more strife, more pain, more heartache for I was slighted and betrayed... which only made me feel more insecure and alone... so I sought out more people to fill that niche... and the cycle only continued.

I can't tell you the precise moment that I "awoke". What matters is that I did. I know that it started when I was with child, continued when I wrote my first book ... throughout the break up with my daughter's father and the many moves I made afterward ... And I've continued to weed people out as I've gone along for in my quest, my evolution, I've allowed people into my "first row" that didn't belong there... And sometimes that realization has been difficult for being who I am, I've taken it as a reflection of me. But people's attitudes and behaviors aren't reflections of me, they are reflections of them. They are who they are. I cannot change that. What I can do is minimize their negative influence by pushing them away.

And there are those that you want in your front row who for one reason or another, because of something they're enduring/suffering, cannot be there... opt not to be there at least in the time being... I've allowed that to injure me. I've permitted that to bring down my spirits... I'm over that. I shall continue to express deep feeling without it being reciprocated... and I will not permit that reality to hurt me for to love truthfully is to do so without expecting anything in return...

So that's where I'm at ... I'm not trying, I'm doing. For as a wise little alien said long ago, "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try!" (Star Wars fans please STAND UP!)

And that is one of my resolutions this year: TO DO! I'm going to do what V has to do for her daughter, for her career, for her heart and spirit.

See y'all at the top!

I'm an open book

I read a blog by a fellow writer and it got me thinking about me and my approach on my life. I am for the most part an open book. I'm actually quite open about my experiences, the ventures I've had, even my missteps and I make no excuses for it. I've noticed that most people aren't the way I am. Most people shield their past, clench it close to their breast, protect it like a lioness does her cubs. While I understand that on many levels, I am not the same. I am more than willing to share my past. Why? Well, because I'm not ashamed of it. I have skeletons just like everyone. I've done dumb shit in my past but I've also done some amazing things. Shit, haven't we all? So why be ashamed by it? If anything, it's strengthened me. I'm proud of it, proud that I haven't let my mistakes defeat me. I have no regrets. Yes, I could have made some wiser choices but if I had, would I be where I am now? Probably not hence why I am not rueful. Still, I notice that some people are perplexed and often taken aback by my openness.

In the blog I mentioned earlier, the woman appears to be just as open as me. Upon opening up to someone, she was told that she shouldn't be so forthright because some made use that knowledge against her, that is to negatively impact her. I don't worry about that. I don't worry about how people are going to perceive me. I learned long ago that people are judgmental by nature. Shit, even I'm judgmental sometimes despite my efforts not to be. So if no matter what you do or how you do it, people are going to judge you regardless, why worry about it?

This reminds me of a situation I encountered years ago when I was just a girl of nineteen. An older woman (well, not old but she was older than me - probably in her mid to late twenties back then) expressed an opinion about me. To be honest, I don't even remember what it was she said, but I clearly remember what I told her and her reaction to it. And as crude as it may sound, I still live by those rules to this day ... I told her that since she didn't feed me, fuck me or do anything for me, I didn't give a fuck what she thought of me! Her eyes grew to the size of basketballs and she pursed her lips and told me that one day I'd change my mind about that. I knew she was being condescending and pulling the "I'm older than you and know better" card. I rolled my eyes (being the sassy girl I was then and admittedly still am on some level although definitely not that extreme) and told her, "Believe this. That will never change." And it hasn't. Yes, I'm not as crude in my expression of this reality. I'm older and wiser in my selection of words but this still remains true. I care little if at all about the opinions of people who have little importance in my world. I've been judged so many times, I've become somewhat numb to it. Yes, I am human and sometimes people's assumptions irk me but that's because I hate to be stereotyped ... I don't look my age and I guess something about my style doesn't scream educated writer and intellect. So I've seen myself put people on to the "real" with a choice selection of words that often leaves them reeling and wondering, "Who is this chick?"

It's happened more than once that I enter a venue or am introduced to someone in different scenarios and people have made assumptions about me. One circle in particular sticks out in my mind. I didn't know that I'd been labeled a "chickenhead" until I started seeing someone in the circle. When we went out on our first date, he admitted that he had a completely different view of me prior to our conversation. He confessed what he'd heard and my natural reaction was to question why he even went out with me in the first place if that's what he'd heard. He answered that he liked to give people a chance regardless and was glad that he had (vomit! - men will sometimes say anything to get in your pants) ... So anyway, that situation definitely made me wiser and even more aware that jealousy will cause people to talk mad isht about you. Shit, get to know people before you start talking smack and making assumptions. You never know who you're going to meet, what energies you're going to exchange, what you might learn. And this is from a person who admittedly doesn't make friends easily.

And why is that? Because I don't trust easily. Because I've learned that people often have their own agendas. It's an oxymoron of sorts now that I think about it - that is, the fact that I'm so much of an open book yet I don't trust easily. But that's because I just don't care. No one can be more brutal on me than I am on myself. So you think that my being with a drug dealer for six years while a student at an ivy league was a stupid decision? Shit, tell me something I don't know. But you know what, I don't regret because I became a woman with that man and the lessons I learned, what I learned about myself and relationships and love, have been invaluable! And damn, I have so much fodder for my writing ... for the endless stories I am going to write ... So there! To quote a brilliant mind, "And that's all I have to say about that." (HA!)