Guns Blazing

I'm putting the gun in the holster (Thanks Alicia) ... So, while I'm ready to put myself out there, to come in with guns blazing, I realize that he's not ready ... Perhaps he senses the profundity of what I'm about to tell him. Shit, it's some deep shit that's been simmering and marinating ... boiling over ... for 12 fucking years ... It's alot ... And even if he doesn't know, his head is somewhere else ... so he's gotta handle that, right? *sighs* ... It all goes back to something I posted some time ago ... TIMING!

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people.
Ones with whom you shared something special,
ones who will always mean something.
There's the one you first kissed,
the one you first loved,
the one you lost your virginity to,
the one you put on a pedestal,
the one you're with
...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?
I guess it's that person with who everything was great,
everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong.
There was no fault in the person,
there was no flaw in the chemistry,
but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone,
finding a longtime partner that is,
does not lie merely in the other person.
I can actually argue that an equal part,
or maybe even the greater part,
has to do with the matter of timing.
It has to do with you being ready to settle down
and commit to someone in a way that goes
beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it?
When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner,
it doesn't matter who you're with,
it just doesn't work.
Small problems become big;
inconsequentials become dealbreakers
simply because you're not ready and it shows.
It's not that you and the person you're with are no good;
it's just that it's not yet right,
and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are.
And when this happens you'll be
ready to settle down with someone.
He or she may not be the most perfect,
they might not be the brightest star of
romance to ever have burned in your life,
but it'll work because you're ready.
It'll work because it's the right time
and you'll make it work.
And it'll make sense,
...it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things,
and you find yourself to be a different person.
Things are different,
your approach is different,
you finally understand who you are
and what you want,
and you've become ready because the time has
truly arrived. And mind you,
there's no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you're single
but you could be in a long-term relationship,
you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter.
All you know is that you've changed,
and for some reason,
the one that got away,
is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them
because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?"
You'll wonder, "What if we were together now,
with me as I am and not as I was?"
That's what the one that got away is.
The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact
that the one that got away, GOT AWAY.
Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is,
this can happen to the best of us.
But hopefully you're mature enough to realize
that you're already with the one you're with
and this is just another test of your commitment,
one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it.
Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright.
It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married.
In which case it's the same thing.
You just have to accept and know that your
memories of that person will probably bring a
nice little SMILE to your lips in the future
when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different.
What do you do if it's not yet too late?
Simple...find him, find her.
Because the very existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder,
what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie,
it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere.
You'd be surprised, you just might be
"the one that got away" as well for the person who
is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere
and it won't make a difference.
If the timing is finally right,
it'll all just fall into place somehow
and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great
feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone....
"Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."


And that's just it ... I thought for a while that he was the one that got away 'cause of something that happened when we tried to date before ... and thus why I cut him out of my life for so long ... until that e-mail over a year ago ... Shit! But while the timing can be right for me, it doesn't matter if it isn't for him ... the timing has to be right for both in order for it to work ...

As a good friend told me a little while ago, even when you do tell him, when you finally get the opportunity, he may not respond right away ... it's a lot. He'll have to mull over it, chew on it ... he'll have to figure a lot out for himself ... but you would have done what you could, just as you've done what you can now ... You put that energy out there to the universe ... You did your part. You now have to believe ... have faith ... come now and continue to walk with love ... and it will come back ... you have to believe ...

I live by these words: "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." ... So I know there is no try ... there is either do or don't do ... but damn, there's trying in the doing! *sighs*

Listening to: "Number 41" by Dave Matthews ... If you don't know the song, you are missing out on this treasure ... the lyrics ... oh ...

I’m Ready To Stop When You Are

Written before 11am today:

Current mood: drained

So I'm finally ready to put myself out there to this guy. I really feel like I need to just tell him how I feel ... how I've felt like so long ... As Jay Z put it so well in the song "Frontin'":

Everytime your name was brought up
I would act all nonchalant in front of an audience
Like you was just another shortie I put the naughty on
But uh, truth be told you threw me for a loop ..this Hov
I'm too old to be frontin what I'm feeling Denzel'n
Acting like you ain't appealing when you are
Stunting like you ain't my only girl when you are (I was just frontin)
I'm ready to stop when you are

I'm ready to stop frontin but ... I guess I didn't realize that just 'cause I'm ready to say it doesn't meant that he's ready to hear it ... He's going through something again and he doesn't seem to want to talk about what it is ... I know it has something to do with work ... or at least I think it does 'cause he was so happy and upbeat until something happened at his job ... then it went downhill from there ... So this morning I was thinking about him ... Actually, I had a dream with him. Don't remember the details but I woke up with him on the brain ... and I got frustrated thinking about where I'm at and the fact that yet AGAIN we are not on the same page ... and I know it shouldn't factor into where I'm at or my willingness to finally open up but ... Shit, this is new for me ... I feel like I've made a breakthrough and I WANT HIM TO HEAR IT! So out of frustration and disappointment, I thought, maybe I should break the routine and not send him his scopes or any texts or emails ... just cut communication 'cause that always seems to bring him out of hiding ... then I read my scope and ...


..> SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
What's the point in having luck if you don't push it? It's like having a car and not driving it anywhere. Can you drive a car too fast? Of course. Can you push your luck too far? Absolutely. Somewhere in between the two extremes, though, there's a policy you ought to pursue. In front of you now lies an opportunity. It is just about accessible, but you will have to coax it out of hiding if you are truly to take advantage of it. That requires a degree of confidence. Summon yours, you won't regret it.
..>
So of course that tells me I should stick to my course ... remind him that I'm ready to open up whenever he's ready to listen ... I mean, what else can I do? ... I just feel so helpless in this situation ... and I hate the feeling ... I guess the illusion of control was comforting and now that I see it for what it is, an illusion, I'm sad ... disillusioned ... DAMN!

Things Fall Apart

(written 2/2)

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
- William Parish, Meet Joe Black

I found this quote on someone's page and had to post it ... and muse over the many thoughts and emotions it provoked. YES! What life is worth living if you're not willing to risk? If you're not willing to forget your head sometimes and just follow your irrational heart ... for the heart doesn't think, it feels ... it knows without having to think ... And my heart has been screaming at me for so long and out of fear and worry, I tried to hush her ... I threw on my iPod full blast to drown out what she's been saying ... but ain't no noise, no shout, no blaring, screeching sound like that of the ignored heart ... She's saying, "V, stop ignoring me. You know what you want. You've wanted it for so long ... Say it! Stop fuckin' frontin'!" ... So I'm ready to say it ... To open up and put it out there ... I want you pa ...

Yesterday I told him we weren't on the same page. His honest, forthright answer, "And when have you ever told me what page you're on?" ... So brutally true ... You can't expect someone to read your mind, to try to decipher your cryptic messages ... I've done this before ... I can't do it again.

As my best friend told me, we're not spring chickens anymore. I'm not an old lady either but I'm no longer a child. I'm a grown woman, I'm a mom, I'm an ambitious writer with two books under her belt ... and a mag ... What's good? This is what I have to offer ... wanna ride with me? See where this goes? If not, peace ... Yeah, it'll sting a bit ... a lot ... but I'll heal ... I've always said I'd rather know than not know ... Now I feel I'd rather know than not know ... Now I know ... I'm ready ... watch out now!

So I'm putting it out there ... I'm putting myself out there ... I'll be vulnerable ... I'll give it a shot for the chance of experiencing love again ... for if I don't take that risk, why even bother?

I want to love like crazy ... I want to be loved like crazy ... I want someone who will love my daughter ... for to love me is to love her ... I want someone to walk next to me ... to hold me when I'm weak and support me when I'm strong ... Don't be scared. I just want to know you ... I want to feel you ... You ready? Fuck everything else ... Yes, things fall apart but that shit don't matter ... You never know if you don't do it ... so let's do this ... together ...

*Listening to: Things Fall Apart - The Roots (1999)" ...

I gotta let this out before I explode

(written night of 1/29)

before I explode ... maybe it's the alcohol I consumed (not much but enough to have me feeling "off kilter") ... or maybe it's that my inhibitions are down ... no se ... but I'd rather write about it than make a call I shouldn't make ... Fuck, I'm frustrated! And I'm ready to come clean but my fear ... my fear is stopping me ...

In my blogs, I don't hold my tongue. I have no shame. I'm an open book ... and for the most part, in my relations with people, it's the way I am ... but when it comes to affairs of the heart ... when it comes to love and/or potential love mates ... I'm gonna stop there ... or rather, I'm going to stop myself there 'cause I know better than that ... I know that within the first few moments that a woman meets a man, she knows both if she could ever sleep with a man (not that she will but if she potentially could) AND more importantly, she knows if she could ever love a man ... really love ... twist your insides out love ...

I'm honest with everyone except the man I have deep feelings for ... I mean, I'm honest in the beginning ... or at least I was ... and the moment I feared or felt that my feelings possibly weren't reciprocated, I pulled back ... and went into my shell ... Why? Why the fuck do I do that?

The reality is that I'm only cheating myself ... and as a friend told me earlier, "What's the worst that could happen?" ... The worst would be for him to tell me that he just doesn't feel the same ... Could I handle it? Shit, I've handled worst ... The love of my life (that is, that first love ... the one you can say that you may be over but you've never loved the same, that hard ever since) brought a woman to our home who I fed, hung out with, drank with ... only to find out later that he was fucking her ... So you'd think this disappointment, this pain would be miniscule compared to that ...

As I get older, I get harder on myself ... I demand more ... So when I let myself get caught up, I'm brutal ... so is it that that I fear? Or is it rejection? Is it my pride? How should I know if I can honestly say I've never put myself out there like that ... In the few relationships I've been in, I waited until he said "the words" first ... I let him initiate the relationship ... I let him lead the way ... and the one time I felt it and didn't hear it, I never said anything ... and to this day, even he tells me, wonders what would have happened if I had ... and although I don't regret that because I know now that he and I are meant to be lifelong friends and business partners ... when it comes to this other guy, I'm not so sure ... the history is so long ... the feelings so crazy ...

So I ask myself, what is it you feel V? And the fact that I don't have a clear cut, precise answer frightens me ... I know I'm not certain I want a "relationship" ... but I know I want more ... I want some time ... some attention ... damn pa, make me feel like you feel this ... feel me ... if not, be out ...

Is it fucked up that it's gotta be either/or? That it can't be something in between? Shit, I don't want something in between. I know that at least right now, I can't be just friends with him ... that's just not where I'm at ... that much I know is real ... but am I ready to tell him that? ... *sighs*