I’m Ready To Stop When You Are

Written before 11am today:

Current mood: drained

So I'm finally ready to put myself out there to this guy. I really feel like I need to just tell him how I feel ... how I've felt like so long ... As Jay Z put it so well in the song "Frontin'":

Everytime your name was brought up
I would act all nonchalant in front of an audience
Like you was just another shortie I put the naughty on
But uh, truth be told you threw me for a loop ..this Hov
I'm too old to be frontin what I'm feeling Denzel'n
Acting like you ain't appealing when you are
Stunting like you ain't my only girl when you are (I was just frontin)
I'm ready to stop when you are

I'm ready to stop frontin but ... I guess I didn't realize that just 'cause I'm ready to say it doesn't meant that he's ready to hear it ... He's going through something again and he doesn't seem to want to talk about what it is ... I know it has something to do with work ... or at least I think it does 'cause he was so happy and upbeat until something happened at his job ... then it went downhill from there ... So this morning I was thinking about him ... Actually, I had a dream with him. Don't remember the details but I woke up with him on the brain ... and I got frustrated thinking about where I'm at and the fact that yet AGAIN we are not on the same page ... and I know it shouldn't factor into where I'm at or my willingness to finally open up but ... Shit, this is new for me ... I feel like I've made a breakthrough and I WANT HIM TO HEAR IT! So out of frustration and disappointment, I thought, maybe I should break the routine and not send him his scopes or any texts or emails ... just cut communication 'cause that always seems to bring him out of hiding ... then I read my scope and ...


..> SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 21)
What's the point in having luck if you don't push it? It's like having a car and not driving it anywhere. Can you drive a car too fast? Of course. Can you push your luck too far? Absolutely. Somewhere in between the two extremes, though, there's a policy you ought to pursue. In front of you now lies an opportunity. It is just about accessible, but you will have to coax it out of hiding if you are truly to take advantage of it. That requires a degree of confidence. Summon yours, you won't regret it.
..>
So of course that tells me I should stick to my course ... remind him that I'm ready to open up whenever he's ready to listen ... I mean, what else can I do? ... I just feel so helpless in this situation ... and I hate the feeling ... I guess the illusion of control was comforting and now that I see it for what it is, an illusion, I'm sad ... disillusioned ... DAMN!