(written night of 1/29)
before I explode ... maybe it's the alcohol I consumed (not much but enough to have me feeling "off kilter") ... or maybe it's that my inhibitions are down ... no se ... but I'd rather write about it than make a call I shouldn't make ... Fuck, I'm frustrated! And I'm ready to come clean but my fear ... my fear is stopping me ...
In my blogs, I don't hold my tongue. I have no shame. I'm an open book ... and for the most part, in my relations with people, it's the way I am ... but when it comes to affairs of the heart ... when it comes to love and/or potential love mates ... I'm gonna stop there ... or rather, I'm going to stop myself there 'cause I know better than that ... I know that within the first few moments that a woman meets a man, she knows both if she could ever sleep with a man (not that she will but if she potentially could) AND more importantly, she knows if she could ever love a man ... really love ... twist your insides out love ...
I'm honest with everyone except the man I have deep feelings for ... I mean, I'm honest in the beginning ... or at least I was ... and the moment I feared or felt that my feelings possibly weren't reciprocated, I pulled back ... and went into my shell ... Why? Why the fuck do I do that?
The reality is that I'm only cheating myself ... and as a friend told me earlier, "What's the worst that could happen?" ... The worst would be for him to tell me that he just doesn't feel the same ... Could I handle it? Shit, I've handled worst ... The love of my life (that is, that first love ... the one you can say that you may be over but you've never loved the same, that hard ever since) brought a woman to our home who I fed, hung out with, drank with ... only to find out later that he was fucking her ... So you'd think this disappointment, this pain would be miniscule compared to that ...
As I get older, I get harder on myself ... I demand more ... So when I let myself get caught up, I'm brutal ... so is it that that I fear? Or is it rejection? Is it my pride? How should I know if I can honestly say I've never put myself out there like that ... In the few relationships I've been in, I waited until he said "the words" first ... I let him initiate the relationship ... I let him lead the way ... and the one time I felt it and didn't hear it, I never said anything ... and to this day, even he tells me, wonders what would have happened if I had ... and although I don't regret that because I know now that he and I are meant to be lifelong friends and business partners ... when it comes to this other guy, I'm not so sure ... the history is so long ... the feelings so crazy ...
So I ask myself, what is it you feel V? And the fact that I don't have a clear cut, precise answer frightens me ... I know I'm not certain I want a "relationship" ... but I know I want more ... I want some time ... some attention ... damn pa, make me feel like you feel this ... feel me ... if not, be out ...
Is it fucked up that it's gotta be either/or? That it can't be something in between? Shit, I don't want something in between. I know that at least right now, I can't be just friends with him ... that's just not where I'm at ... that much I know is real ... but am I ready to tell him that? ... *sighs*
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment